Cancer, it can't be I am a Pisces.

Damn it, the results are in and the chad fell off. The recount is official, I have thyroid cancer.

I knew this would be the result but didn't realize I would feels so sad. I know I must take certain steps like staging and surgery and radiation, after care but should I really remember that I haven't baptized my baby? I must make sure I plan and plan and plan to that no one ever has to question what I want best for my 2 babies.
Ray and I had a great date night to talk and plan and it was a wonderful night to make sure I am still connected to the one love.My dear friend Robin too is helping and doesn't know how much so, other than the play dates sleep overs and wine supply. Byron is away for a sleep over and Piece was so sleepy in his stroller in the restaurant that Ray and I just ate great sushi and drank fine libations that it felt like a wonderful Friday date night but the talk was of cancer. I even got to pull the cancer card when he said we should go and I said "lets just have another round and talk some more come on I have cancer."
Ray is awesome, I hope he is not reading this because I will have trouble making him do the dishes now. He really is quite nice and way better than me. I should be like him and hope the kids are like him, but I know Byron is just like me and it cracks me up when he tells Ray that he is a bad driver and that Ray is scared of spiders and that mom just does it so much better. I just love that.

I do know that my fear is, while men when alone are so darn attractive when struggling with kids that women just fall all over them. I told Ray just stay single for a year then remarry someone I would find ugly and I give my blessing and will never haunt them. I would just want someone to hug my children, thats all, even when they don't want it which just happens every day. I must squeeze my boys into submission everyday just make sure they feel loved and annoyed properly.
Please dont worry about me I am fine I will beat this.

My minds eye is blind or at least nearsighted.

I have grown cold and my life needed something to touch my heart and make me feel again...what I didn't expect was another life, a friend to be able to cripple me at my knees. It awoke a beast that is best not confronted when unarmed, DEATH and ones own immortality. When a mother is gone so is the ordinary day. The highs the lows the regular days are all gone. Sickness is creepy and can slither into a home and crack it apart. Children could still turn out okay but would they have been better? They are powerful forces, these kids, yet are pliable and can break. As I mom I never want my boys to feel a weighty sadness or fear or longing for love or have an ache that permeates into their bones...those are my fears nothing for myself all for them. I will swallow sadness, fear or lose of love and eat it whole. Children need the gift of an ordinary day smothered in love and not fearful of the unknown. The unknown. What is that? What isn't that?

I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.

There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.

Results are in or is the chad hanging on???

Pierce will help me, he is quite technically inclined....or not at all, he had locked this computer up several times beating the keys into submission. You are seeing my parenting skills as I let the children climb tables and run rampant, what you don't see is that the dog is probably eating off the kitchen counter and cleaning the old dishes, be forewarned if you eat over. This is just so cost effective in a recession since we have let the maid go after more than 10 years. I am waiting patiently for the children to become of age where they can scrub a toilet...this is of course why I gave birth to my 2 little domestics.

Drum roll please....

So my result are in and so far FAVORABLE, yet there is some doubt that the lesion was not sampled. I was told I can believe the results for 3 months until I am seen again. There is a consult on Monday with another doctor that may shed some more light on this. I do feel I have wasted my minds time why thinking about this for over 2 weeks now. I know know that what will be will be and will present itself in time. I am not really a passivist but more of a surrender right now. One gets tired pondering possibilities that may be negative. I am wholeheartedly a believer of dreaming about what ifs of winning the lottery... this is not futile, one must be prepared. Claim it and put in in a trust to help defer the tax issues and scoundrels.

I do need to tell of a revelation, Ray upon hearing the good news says we must lead a healthier lifestyle have out antioxidants, drink less....WHAT, I say, I feel now I must drink the expensive wine and live more fully... this is all we have got.

A fly on the wall....

This is what my world looks like when I am not seen. I feel like I am in a Scrooge movie where you see what happens when your not around.....but I am, so its not a fair assessment. I see the gloomy day out here in San Diego. The dog Kona rests easy since life is clearly so hard, all she did last night was shit throughout the living room..."ahhh I must rest to attack the new rug again tonight"., she thinks. Pierce is involved in toys of a small sort which I am certain he is not to have since they are choking hazards to a 1 yr old yet they taste like delicious plastic to be tried later. Byron must rest his weary head on his batman toy to watch " how to train a dragon". I think he is taking mental notes since dragons are everywhere. I will tell him he can keep it if he can catch one, I will not break his spirit or sense of adventure and he should know he can do anything, I will not say no. we do all know that is not really true.

I am still waiting my results and feel so at peace that its already known..weird that I am so okay with this. I am finding me along this" waiting path". I like me, I do. I feel my character is strong and I won't be too ashamed that I am not strong allthe time..but I will maybe alittle.

I will keep you posted.

Pain in my neck...

This is my pain in my ass yet it is residing in my neck. I had my biopsy today they did an aspiration 4 times, but now I feel worse for wear. I will have results maybe 7-10 days, boy, that seems so long.

I am disillusioned that 2 medical opinions can differ so much between highly suspicious and low thresh hold for malignancy. I was quite displeased with the specialist today, can you believe she did not hold us ultrasonographers in the highest regards???? What you say? It was true. I too was taken aback. I had propped myself up on the exam table and felt it was my pedestal, as a member of the medical team, yet to my surprise she squashed my spirit. I am afraid she doesn't know that great work we do. We are phenomenal detectives. I can smell pathology like rotten fruit...similar to a bat...say batwomen.

Well I must put my little spidermen to bed and brag about my super powers later.

Do I look good on a cellular level?

Well I sit and wonder if just a sampling of tissue can change a future or can it just change my mind? I have a biopsy coming up and I have already resigned myself that I know they outcome. I am oddly at peace maybe it means it will be negative or have I just become accustom to the result. Time will tell. I always have felt I sense things and I believe it makes my life what it is. For the good I must say. My spirit feels connect to something big but My job makes it difficult to have too much emotion before a final answer, highly suggestive is a result or is it? I am okay no matter what, I know me this well already. I think of myself as a non alarmist, really, I do. I am just outspoken. well lets not search my attributes to closely.

I took a photo of myself the other day and looked at myself like I didn't know this person, I forgot I have green eyes and that I now have wrinkles starting to show on my road map.I am growing older, when did this happen? Oh I am a mom, I know Feb 20th when Byron my first was born then the next age accelerate occured June 3rd this last year.

I do recognize the women in this goodnight kiss photo its a person that looks beautiful when she is holding her baby.He is just starting to weight too much for me to hold infront of my face.

I will keep you all posted this coming week. I am fine, I promise.

To chase the elusive "easy life".....

I claim this sunset as my own, I have watched it and praised it's beauty and it should belong to me. This view is no longer my own, we have sold our house, the one I love. I am in pursuit of "ease". I want to work less and be me more. I want my kids to remember me around....not so round. I have no time for the pursuits that I think will keep me sane and sound. I need to find and fight for the path that is right.. not expected and easy.

I wake at midnight last night to see my boys piled ontop of each other, it must be an instint to seach for touch and comfort even when not conscience of it. We yearn for closeness, its what is important.. this may hold all the keys to the answers we search for.

I saw a video of children being reunited with their parents away due to military committments, I was brought to tears that such small children can be scarred when their support and love are away. I would think a small 2 yr old wouldn't conceptualize time like an adult but when a girl said I love you and I missed you to a father that has been gone, it breaks my spirit. My freedom and patriotism are great..but could I survive on only my love of family?why YES I could. We choose not to sacrifice and of course it would feel bad. I know I was raised in a feel good world and we find pathes that are smooth and the pebbles washed away but I don't mind being a rock collector.

Todays entry is scattered, as my mind has been of late, I am a juggler that is "women" we must think and think and plan and plan until be are spent, then we may sleep to dream of our new futures. To throw worries to the wind to be cleared away by a greater God is hopeful and a prayer I will make but I must worry about that too...yet I still feel cleansed.

I will meet you here again if you are so entertained and will let my mind dance again.