Sad face won't last.

This is how I have been feeling for the last few days. My poor kid just didn't get any candy from a pinata at a birthday party. yeah thats pretty bad too. He is a small guy and I am feeling small.

Well I had my whole body scan on Thursday and was expecting to put this all behind me but lymph nodes lite up . I am not sure what this all means yet I have to go back tomorrow for more pictures inthe nuclear medicine department which seems like a mysterious area to me in medicine, no one in the hospital seems to know what they do behind close doors. I may just shuffle around tomorrow trying to find out their secrets. I hope I don't need surgery soon, maybe the radiation I had was enough to stun the cancer into submission.

I wish this easy cancer knew how to behave, it seems to be behaving poorly and needs a time out. I will keep you posted.

Post radioactive isotope is RAD.

This the lead lined canister that contained 2 blue pills that had about 153 millicuries of radioactive material. I put it on my hand then was going to take a picture and was told to hurry and get it off my hand since the radiation being emitted was so high it needed to get into me quickly. Yeah that will make me swallow it down faster.

Immediately the Geiger counter came out and it registered 74 milliRems per hour emitting from my abdomen. Within just 24 hours it dropped down to about 45 millirems per hour. Planes are not allowed to fly at that high of an elevation due to effects on passengers in the plane and alarms go off to make sure they stay well below 50millirems of cosmic radiation.

The next day I dropped down to about 3millirems emitted per hour of radiation which is like background levels, still high enough to make sure I keep my distance.

The isolation room I was confined to was intolerable for these few days was lined in plastic and I must say it was a personal prison for me with the occasional very poor treatment, since the staff was not well prepared for someone like me, only about 2 people a month if that go through this treatment. I was like a leper that could throw a limb at the staff so there was very little interaction at all, just the intercom and a phone wrapped in plastic. Wow I found that isolation was isolating Weird huh? Stockholm syndrome is real I was throwing myself at the first person that would put more than their arm into my room.

I am now home and missed my family as it is now day 6 from treatment and I have to confess, I was kept longer due to my stage fright to produce a bowel movement. SHIT yes..I was given 10 medications in less than 20 hours to produce said product to no avail. My radiation levels would drop more quickly if we could close this deal. I was sent home with 4 differant meds to help complete this mission, they were very concerned since they would have no place to put me if I needed to be readmitted into the hospital easily. I have spoken to more people about crap than I would care to admit and I will leave with only that there has been success and I must say I debated renting a plane to fly a banner.

I will have a full body scan on Thursday and await good news that there will be no spots that light up. Lets hope for that. I will eat sushi until I develope some worm or fin.

Goodnight my friends and I thank each and everyone of you for the inspiration that lights a unchartered path for me. THANK YOU.

Finally I will be one HOT chick....

Yup One HOT chick. I do laundry.I am getting my life in order to be away from the family for about 8 days. I am to stay 3 to 6 feet away due to my hot factor. On Monday I will become radioactive as I start my hopefully, final treatment, for cancer. I must get the stinking ass laundry room in check before grandma Kay arrives, she must think that raising kids now a days has gotten so easy shmeazy for us old Gen X ers. Or or we Generation Y? Why have we ever labeled ourselves?I have dumbed down so much I don't know what I am....

I have such large bags under my eyes that I have trouble finding my way around.I would never recognize a Y or an X or a Z . This getting hypothyroid for my treatment makes me very tired and forgetful, I am clearly not very sharp. When Byron asked if the fruit orange was named after the color orange I was stumped. Not really sure still.

I go in on Monday morning for radiation so much so I will be in isolation for about 2 full days. I will get about 150 millicurie of radioactive isotopes...that is alot if we can rememeber physics.
I do know someone had to get the lowest score and on one exam that was me as I had to point out to the teacher in college that we all contribute to the bell curve. You are welcome class of 1995.

Well I will be finally so hot that I need my own radiation safety officer to check me daily. I cannot have my cell phone or computer as I will contaminate them with radiation so I will have those old 13 channels dial changer tvs in my room and probably a rotery telephone too. UGGGG to go so 80's how did I survive? Oh thats right I was out dating and carrying on and bypassed technolgy. Im not sure I cared then, I was busy. BUT I care now....

I must say the kids are great about it all , Byron just wants to know what day I can't sleep with him....weird Ray doesn't seem to ask..hum .. It will be about 2 weeks without a snuggle from my kids oooooothat it soooooo hard. So I will let grandma K take over and do the cooking and snuggling and momming for awhile. It is really hard.

I wil be reading and pillow surfing and that should fill my days this is ever moms dream to check out of momdom and vacate the position for some way needed R&R. I will probably look liike a fetus when I leave the hospital, I will surely chew my own cord off since I have so much experience as a 40isher. REALLY is that what I am? Did I just make up that silly word? Yup i did. Maybe this is the last time you will see it.

Wish me well in my own thoughts for several days and not hang myself with a IV tubing. God speed to a less vomitous week to come.

PS I may have to get some of that ovation hair therapy as I am thinning like an eldrly lady.

Ho Ho Ho not just a lady of the evening.

Byron getting all snug in his bed awaiting the arrival of Santa. Am I the only adult that feels guilty misleading my kids? I love this time of the year yet am torn with the need to not let down my kids with lies. Maybe this is the problem we protect kids so much so they never have disappointments that we have sheltered them into a fairytale life and they are under deserving. I do know Byron got a bike tomorrow from Santa and he will never ride he streets alone due to the perverts that perpetuate the evening news. how will he even learn to ride, will he ever have the luxury of playing and riding until the street lights come on?? I miss small town life. How will he gain any independence?

Ray is getting ready for Santa too, he just put a toy together and I am sure he need the rum and cookies that have been laid out for Santa.Santa has discriminating taste.

This year is due to end with a fizzle for us, since coming into the new year we expect better health news and a big sign of relief to come. After meeting with the doctors on Friday and hearing about my aggressive cancer that wants to spread. Damn I thought thyroid cancers behaved better and knew their place. I am on a ridiculous low iodine diet that is really putting a kink in my eating habits this holiday yet the wine consumption remains steady and is allowed. Wow I have bent the truth into believing it is doctors orders that i have only roughage and wine. I have lost 6 pounds already and that means the fat farm trip wont happen in feb as I will not need the trip to Utah to hike and play as I did last year on only 1000 calories daily. ...maybe after I plump up when I become hypothyroid. The radioactive iodine treatment will happen in mid to late Jan as I need some family support since I will be away from the klids for over a week. Well I need to not worry about them, they are resilient and handle things better than I.

This holiday season is a time to reflect and forgive others and ourselves and become the people we think we are, yet different then how others see us. We can give to charities we can bake bread we can be excused. My favorite saying "we judges others by their actions yet we ourselves would like to be judged on our intentions." I must act as I intend, this is my New Years wish I plan to fulfill.

Merry Christmas and I hope I don't get coal.

Blast me with 553,000,000,000,000,000 atoms.

Byron my little lamb chop, I finally got him to smile, now if only I could get him to wear clothes. He loves pjs from the second he gets home from school. He knows how to be comfortable. I too would rather stay in my jammas and not shave my legs and keep my hair in a pigtail ahh but Ray would probably tire of it more quickly if I like Byron refused to wear clothes all day.Not wearing clothes difinately looks differant on me than on Byron, his little cupcake butt looks so much cuter. No one is squeezing mine but I cannot keep my hands off Byron or Pierce's butt for that matter. OHHH I love them.

I did get my pathology results in today and I was surprised that there were 2 areas of cancer and that it had spread to the lymph nodes. I am hoping it is all out and has been sent to the incinerator, if that is where disease goes to die? Not on a shelf with the name Cunningham on it somewhere. I will now have the radioactive iodine treatment done as this cancers form of chemotherapy. I will take a pill or a liquid of a highly reactive isotope that will keep my away from my children for over a week and into isolation, wow me alone with my thoughts. Shit. Is that lonely or crazy? Follow me and we will see.It may be a train wreak or quite nice I can't tell yet.

This is the beautiful sky last night, the one I claim as my own, it outshown itself last night, can you tell it was very chilly? It looks crisp. This view will be ours for awhile more, thank God since it gives me great peace.

So this is me yesterday, rather dopey and fresh off a 2 hour operation, I was feeling a bit sore and needed proper medication from the candyman. I really missed the kids and my home and wanted out right away and I got to leave the hospital today, I wanted to get home to my kids, you'd think I could have used a break but no I missed them. Now that I am home I wish I could go back, it always seems better the further away I am.

Here are the monkeys today that I needed to get home to and I cannot get Byron to smile for the life of me, every single picture this year has the same weird face. He is just like me and it drives me wild. I am still surprised he is not an only child.

There is little Pierce still a good boy and does what he is told on command. He is so big because he eats his fruits and veggies and will tower over Byron, who only eats sugar. Good boys usually, but they love eachother tons.

This is today, the neck covered in a scarf to not frighten Byron but he said it wasn't bad. His friend Max said it was gross, so I am thinking somewhere in between is okay. I was so worried about my neck being ugly but now looking at this picture I must get some surgery on those bags under my eyes, what was the concern with my neck..ugh now that is behind me I can work on some plastic surgery or botox. I am just kidding. that is not in the cards for me.

Thanks everyone for the great support and awesome meals.

I hope I keep my head about me.

Tomorrow I will get ready for my thyroid cancer surgery and hope the incision is small and that I still have my same voice, the one that cannot carry a tune, the one that nags poor Ray and hollers at the kids and calls the dog by the children's name when she does something wrong. Ahh that voice, I hope my vocal cords are not too bruised or severed.
This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.

I was told I could tattoo the scar but all I thought of were a tattoo of hands ringing my neck. I am not much for tattoo's, I do like them, I could even love them but I cannot commit to one forever. I am more of a "one night stand" with tattoo's, I would wish I didn't do as much or done this or that. See, a failure to commit to art.

I have also been reminded of the compassion in people, they give and don't always see the lasting impact. I have been blessed by a wonderful support of friends and family and even new acquaintances. The world seems jaded at times but these people around me are real and they make up a better world., how lucky is that? The words I have recieved have not been lost in the wind, I cherish them.

My other worry other than my head being cut off is the my 4 yr old will be afraid or scared. I bought many scarfs so that I can mask my neck. I do want to show him that if you get sick you can get better, not everyone dies. Yet we must respect disease and be grateful for the cures, and we can still curse the sickness and the inability to cure. I have made light of this lately and I know I am worried and scared since I would rather not get cut open tomorrow but I must and I will heal and be well.

Things will be normal again soon and I will have my ordinary life back, it starts again tomorrow when I become cancer free. On the operating table I will be fighting cancer and in the recovery room I will be a survivor.

I am ready to get this started and so it will be.