Wednesday, February 23, 2011

On the rocky road ...not an ice cream.

So February used to belong to me, even though I couldn't spell it. Ray and I celebrated our 14th anniversary of our first blind date. A girl named Kathy Goodman set us up , it worked. She has never been thanked properly and doesn't even know we have 2 beautiful children, all because she reached out to us both and changed our lives and our futures. Kathy died and we still have not written a letter to her parents and they should know that as troubled as her life felt she made a family for our home. People reach others and never know the impact. I want to tell her we love her and thank you, thank you, thank you, through my tears tonight. Mostly I wished I was a better friend to see your aching and wrap my arms around you and tell you your are special. Lets just do that tomorrow and tell someone they matter, it may make a differance and it may change the world we live in.

Well I had another birthday this weekend, my 41st, actually I don't get those anymore so I will not be aging since Byron was born a day later. Children do overtake a parents life. He had a nice party of 55 people and 25 reptiles on a rainy day all inside my home. UGH. I only hope others enjoied themselves, I was a crazy lady that day, that couldn't keep hold of my wine glass.
My lizard boy is now 5. I do believe this year he will amaze me since his humor and definace are in full form. Who is he related to?
Just the other day he got mad at me and said he hated me infront of many other parents, so I said "you talking to me like that?" "No, Im talking to myself." I wished I could have crawled into a hole, I clearly had no control. Yet as a child I used to write notes to remember when I'd wake up that I was mad at my parents....every time-out in my room I would fall asleep. In fact in 2nd grade I said my favorite hobby was sleeping.
The humor I can tolerate alot better. The laugh he has is awesome. I love when he hugs and tries to snuggle with his brother ( Pierce hates it).
Onto the health front I am now having a issue with my left parotid gland, it resides infront of the ear onthe cheek area, well it is swollen and so very painful I haven't been able to sleep well for the last 2 days. I only sleep about 5 hours a night anyway but my nights are alittle longer now. It even hurts to smile which I must do alot of since I was tortured today. I hear this is a normal complication of radiation and usually occurs weeks later,it can last for weeks, months or be permanent. Seems dreadful. My next follow up is March 21st and this all seems just too far away for my family and friends, I am behaving rather passive and Im not sure why, I hope its not defeat
but a relaxed quality, I am hoping I now possess.
Its a year since I started this blog whe I was waiting to be a 40 yr old lady finding her place and I think I have and that I am on the way at least, okay pointing the right direction.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Well since I last wrote I have had 3 whole body scans and have been sitting on the edge of my seat.The results came in today. I did have some uptake that was to show where the cancer would still be residing, well there were several areas of uptake (lighting up)in my neck that could turn out they may be physiologic ie. NORMAL. and if they are not normal then we must rely on the radioactive isotope to continue to kick its ass. I will go in and have some blood work done that looks at my cancer marker Tg thyroid globulin levels and hope it goes down to zero or trace levels only, it is at 19. If it stays up or goes up from zero we will know it is back or still persisting and deal with that hand of cards later. I feel like I can let out my breath and sigh relief. AHHHHHH

I am laying in bed with my 2 boys and dog and Ray and have a nice glass of red and my computer and I feel super at peace. I was so stressed and didn't really know how much until I just started reflecting. I may turn to jello now with this bit behind me. I am still not so sharp with my mental faculties, and that may not let up. I do know enough that I have been lucky and others have things so much harder. Others have things easier and already appreciate their fortune, I did need some adversity to come to my conclusions, I am a slow learner sometimes.

I have been so blessed to have a large support group that said magical words when I needed them and was able to laugh when I was obsessing about my bowels. I tries to be stoic and not let my guard down but found lots of comfort. People from my past reconnected and made me feel like the world was really a small place and that we are all connected and it is an amazing coincidence that we are all alive at the same time and can reach each other still.

Its a good night.