Friday, November 19, 2010

Cancer, it can't be I am a Pisces.

Damn it, the results are in and the chad fell off. The recount is official, I have thyroid cancer.

I knew this would be the result but didn't realize I would feels so sad. I know I must take certain steps like staging and surgery and radiation, after care but should I really remember that I haven't baptized my baby? I must make sure I plan and plan and plan to that no one ever has to question what I want best for my 2 babies.
Ray and I had a great date night to talk and plan and it was a wonderful night to make sure I am still connected to the one love.My dear friend Robin too is helping and doesn't know how much so, other than the play dates sleep overs and wine supply. Byron is away for a sleep over and Piece was so sleepy in his stroller in the restaurant that Ray and I just ate great sushi and drank fine libations that it felt like a wonderful Friday date night but the talk was of cancer. I even got to pull the cancer card when he said we should go and I said "lets just have another round and talk some more come on I have cancer."
Ray is awesome, I hope he is not reading this because I will have trouble making him do the dishes now. He really is quite nice and way better than me. I should be like him and hope the kids are like him, but I know Byron is just like me and it cracks me up when he tells Ray that he is a bad driver and that Ray is scared of spiders and that mom just does it so much better. I just love that.

I do know that my fear is, while men when alone are so darn attractive when struggling with kids that women just fall all over them. I told Ray just stay single for a year then remarry someone I would find ugly and I give my blessing and will never haunt them. I would just want someone to hug my children, thats all, even when they don't want it which just happens every day. I must squeeze my boys into submission everyday just make sure they feel loved and annoyed properly.
Please dont worry about me I am fine I will beat this.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My minds eye is blind or at least nearsighted.

I have grown cold and my life needed something to touch my heart and make me feel again...what I didn't expect was another life, a friend to be able to cripple me at my knees. It awoke a beast that is best not confronted when unarmed, DEATH and ones own immortality. When a mother is gone so is the ordinary day. The highs the lows the regular days are all gone. Sickness is creepy and can slither into a home and crack it apart. Children could still turn out okay but would they have been better? They are powerful forces, these kids, yet are pliable and can break. As I mom I never want my boys to feel a weighty sadness or fear or longing for love or have an ache that permeates into their bones...those are my fears nothing for myself all for them. I will swallow sadness, fear or lose of love and eat it whole. Children need the gift of an ordinary day smothered in love and not fearful of the unknown. The unknown. What is that? What isn't that?

I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.

There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.