Ho Ho Ho not just a lady of the evening.

Byron getting all snug in his bed awaiting the arrival of Santa. Am I the only adult that feels guilty misleading my kids? I love this time of the year yet am torn with the need to not let down my kids with lies. Maybe this is the problem we protect kids so much so they never have disappointments that we have sheltered them into a fairytale life and they are under deserving. I do know Byron got a bike tomorrow from Santa and he will never ride he streets alone due to the perverts that perpetuate the evening news. how will he even learn to ride, will he ever have the luxury of playing and riding until the street lights come on?? I miss small town life. How will he gain any independence?

Ray is getting ready for Santa too, he just put a toy together and I am sure he need the rum and cookies that have been laid out for Santa.Santa has discriminating taste.

This year is due to end with a fizzle for us, since coming into the new year we expect better health news and a big sign of relief to come. After meeting with the doctors on Friday and hearing about my aggressive cancer that wants to spread. Damn I thought thyroid cancers behaved better and knew their place. I am on a ridiculous low iodine diet that is really putting a kink in my eating habits this holiday yet the wine consumption remains steady and is allowed. Wow I have bent the truth into believing it is doctors orders that i have only roughage and wine. I have lost 6 pounds already and that means the fat farm trip wont happen in feb as I will not need the trip to Utah to hike and play as I did last year on only 1000 calories daily. ...maybe after I plump up when I become hypothyroid. The radioactive iodine treatment will happen in mid to late Jan as I need some family support since I will be away from the klids for over a week. Well I need to not worry about them, they are resilient and handle things better than I.

This holiday season is a time to reflect and forgive others and ourselves and become the people we think we are, yet different then how others see us. We can give to charities we can bake bread we can be excused. My favorite saying "we judges others by their actions yet we ourselves would like to be judged on our intentions." I must act as I intend, this is my New Years wish I plan to fulfill.

Merry Christmas and I hope I don't get coal.

Blast me with 553,000,000,000,000,000 atoms.

Byron my little lamb chop, I finally got him to smile, now if only I could get him to wear clothes. He loves pjs from the second he gets home from school. He knows how to be comfortable. I too would rather stay in my jammas and not shave my legs and keep my hair in a pigtail ahh but Ray would probably tire of it more quickly if I like Byron refused to wear clothes all day.Not wearing clothes difinately looks differant on me than on Byron, his little cupcake butt looks so much cuter. No one is squeezing mine but I cannot keep my hands off Byron or Pierce's butt for that matter. OHHH I love them.

I did get my pathology results in today and I was surprised that there were 2 areas of cancer and that it had spread to the lymph nodes. I am hoping it is all out and has been sent to the incinerator, if that is where disease goes to die? Not on a shelf with the name Cunningham on it somewhere. I will now have the radioactive iodine treatment done as this cancers form of chemotherapy. I will take a pill or a liquid of a highly reactive isotope that will keep my away from my children for over a week and into isolation, wow me alone with my thoughts. Shit. Is that lonely or crazy? Follow me and we will see.It may be a train wreak or quite nice I can't tell yet.

This is the beautiful sky last night, the one I claim as my own, it outshown itself last night, can you tell it was very chilly? It looks crisp. This view will be ours for awhile more, thank God since it gives me great peace.

So this is me yesterday, rather dopey and fresh off a 2 hour operation, I was feeling a bit sore and needed proper medication from the candyman. I really missed the kids and my home and wanted out right away and I got to leave the hospital today, I wanted to get home to my kids, you'd think I could have used a break but no I missed them. Now that I am home I wish I could go back, it always seems better the further away I am.

Here are the monkeys today that I needed to get home to and I cannot get Byron to smile for the life of me, every single picture this year has the same weird face. He is just like me and it drives me wild. I am still surprised he is not an only child.

There is little Pierce still a good boy and does what he is told on command. He is so big because he eats his fruits and veggies and will tower over Byron, who only eats sugar. Good boys usually, but they love eachother tons.

This is today, the neck covered in a scarf to not frighten Byron but he said it wasn't bad. His friend Max said it was gross, so I am thinking somewhere in between is okay. I was so worried about my neck being ugly but now looking at this picture I must get some surgery on those bags under my eyes, what was the concern with my neck..ugh now that is behind me I can work on some plastic surgery or botox. I am just kidding. that is not in the cards for me.

Thanks everyone for the great support and awesome meals.

I hope I keep my head about me.

Tomorrow I will get ready for my thyroid cancer surgery and hope the incision is small and that I still have my same voice, the one that cannot carry a tune, the one that nags poor Ray and hollers at the kids and calls the dog by the children's name when she does something wrong. Ahh that voice, I hope my vocal cords are not too bruised or severed.
This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.

I was told I could tattoo the scar but all I thought of were a tattoo of hands ringing my neck. I am not much for tattoo's, I do like them, I could even love them but I cannot commit to one forever. I am more of a "one night stand" with tattoo's, I would wish I didn't do as much or done this or that. See, a failure to commit to art.

I have also been reminded of the compassion in people, they give and don't always see the lasting impact. I have been blessed by a wonderful support of friends and family and even new acquaintances. The world seems jaded at times but these people around me are real and they make up a better world., how lucky is that? The words I have recieved have not been lost in the wind, I cherish them.

My other worry other than my head being cut off is the my 4 yr old will be afraid or scared. I bought many scarfs so that I can mask my neck. I do want to show him that if you get sick you can get better, not everyone dies. Yet we must respect disease and be grateful for the cures, and we can still curse the sickness and the inability to cure. I have made light of this lately and I know I am worried and scared since I would rather not get cut open tomorrow but I must and I will heal and be well.

Things will be normal again soon and I will have my ordinary life back, it starts again tomorrow when I become cancer free. On the operating table I will be fighting cancer and in the recovery room I will be a survivor.

I am ready to get this started and so it will be.

Cancer, it can't be I am a Pisces.

Damn it, the results are in and the chad fell off. The recount is official, I have thyroid cancer.

I knew this would be the result but didn't realize I would feels so sad. I know I must take certain steps like staging and surgery and radiation, after care but should I really remember that I haven't baptized my baby? I must make sure I plan and plan and plan to that no one ever has to question what I want best for my 2 babies.
Ray and I had a great date night to talk and plan and it was a wonderful night to make sure I am still connected to the one love.My dear friend Robin too is helping and doesn't know how much so, other than the play dates sleep overs and wine supply. Byron is away for a sleep over and Piece was so sleepy in his stroller in the restaurant that Ray and I just ate great sushi and drank fine libations that it felt like a wonderful Friday date night but the talk was of cancer. I even got to pull the cancer card when he said we should go and I said "lets just have another round and talk some more come on I have cancer."
Ray is awesome, I hope he is not reading this because I will have trouble making him do the dishes now. He really is quite nice and way better than me. I should be like him and hope the kids are like him, but I know Byron is just like me and it cracks me up when he tells Ray that he is a bad driver and that Ray is scared of spiders and that mom just does it so much better. I just love that.

I do know that my fear is, while men when alone are so darn attractive when struggling with kids that women just fall all over them. I told Ray just stay single for a year then remarry someone I would find ugly and I give my blessing and will never haunt them. I would just want someone to hug my children, thats all, even when they don't want it which just happens every day. I must squeeze my boys into submission everyday just make sure they feel loved and annoyed properly.
Please dont worry about me I am fine I will beat this.

My minds eye is blind or at least nearsighted.

I have grown cold and my life needed something to touch my heart and make me feel again...what I didn't expect was another life, a friend to be able to cripple me at my knees. It awoke a beast that is best not confronted when unarmed, DEATH and ones own immortality. When a mother is gone so is the ordinary day. The highs the lows the regular days are all gone. Sickness is creepy and can slither into a home and crack it apart. Children could still turn out okay but would they have been better? They are powerful forces, these kids, yet are pliable and can break. As I mom I never want my boys to feel a weighty sadness or fear or longing for love or have an ache that permeates into their bones...those are my fears nothing for myself all for them. I will swallow sadness, fear or lose of love and eat it whole. Children need the gift of an ordinary day smothered in love and not fearful of the unknown. The unknown. What is that? What isn't that?

I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.

There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.

Results are in or is the chad hanging on???

Pierce will help me, he is quite technically inclined....or not at all, he had locked this computer up several times beating the keys into submission. You are seeing my parenting skills as I let the children climb tables and run rampant, what you don't see is that the dog is probably eating off the kitchen counter and cleaning the old dishes, be forewarned if you eat over. This is just so cost effective in a recession since we have let the maid go after more than 10 years. I am waiting patiently for the children to become of age where they can scrub a toilet...this is of course why I gave birth to my 2 little domestics.

Drum roll please....

So my result are in and so far FAVORABLE, yet there is some doubt that the lesion was not sampled. I was told I can believe the results for 3 months until I am seen again. There is a consult on Monday with another doctor that may shed some more light on this. I do feel I have wasted my minds time why thinking about this for over 2 weeks now. I know know that what will be will be and will present itself in time. I am not really a passivist but more of a surrender right now. One gets tired pondering possibilities that may be negative. I am wholeheartedly a believer of dreaming about what ifs of winning the lottery... this is not futile, one must be prepared. Claim it and put in in a trust to help defer the tax issues and scoundrels.

I do need to tell of a revelation, Ray upon hearing the good news says we must lead a healthier lifestyle have out antioxidants, drink less....WHAT, I say, I feel now I must drink the expensive wine and live more fully... this is all we have got.

A fly on the wall....

This is what my world looks like when I am not seen. I feel like I am in a Scrooge movie where you see what happens when your not around.....but I am, so its not a fair assessment. I see the gloomy day out here in San Diego. The dog Kona rests easy since life is clearly so hard, all she did last night was shit throughout the living room..."ahhh I must rest to attack the new rug again tonight"., she thinks. Pierce is involved in toys of a small sort which I am certain he is not to have since they are choking hazards to a 1 yr old yet they taste like delicious plastic to be tried later. Byron must rest his weary head on his batman toy to watch " how to train a dragon". I think he is taking mental notes since dragons are everywhere. I will tell him he can keep it if he can catch one, I will not break his spirit or sense of adventure and he should know he can do anything, I will not say no. we do all know that is not really true.

I am still waiting my results and feel so at peace that its already known..weird that I am so okay with this. I am finding me along this" waiting path". I like me, I do. I feel my character is strong and I won't be too ashamed that I am not strong allthe time..but I will maybe alittle.

I will keep you posted.

Pain in my neck...

This is my pain in my ass yet it is residing in my neck. I had my biopsy today they did an aspiration 4 times, but now I feel worse for wear. I will have results maybe 7-10 days, boy, that seems so long.

I am disillusioned that 2 medical opinions can differ so much between highly suspicious and low thresh hold for malignancy. I was quite displeased with the specialist today, can you believe she did not hold us ultrasonographers in the highest regards???? What you say? It was true. I too was taken aback. I had propped myself up on the exam table and felt it was my pedestal, as a member of the medical team, yet to my surprise she squashed my spirit. I am afraid she doesn't know that great work we do. We are phenomenal detectives. I can smell pathology like rotten fruit...similar to a bat...say batwomen.

Well I must put my little spidermen to bed and brag about my super powers later.

Do I look good on a cellular level?

Well I sit and wonder if just a sampling of tissue can change a future or can it just change my mind? I have a biopsy coming up and I have already resigned myself that I know they outcome. I am oddly at peace maybe it means it will be negative or have I just become accustom to the result. Time will tell. I always have felt I sense things and I believe it makes my life what it is. For the good I must say. My spirit feels connect to something big but My job makes it difficult to have too much emotion before a final answer, highly suggestive is a result or is it? I am okay no matter what, I know me this well already. I think of myself as a non alarmist, really, I do. I am just outspoken. well lets not search my attributes to closely.

I took a photo of myself the other day and looked at myself like I didn't know this person, I forgot I have green eyes and that I now have wrinkles starting to show on my road map.I am growing older, when did this happen? Oh I am a mom, I know Feb 20th when Byron my first was born then the next age accelerate occured June 3rd this last year.

I do recognize the women in this goodnight kiss photo its a person that looks beautiful when she is holding her baby.He is just starting to weight too much for me to hold infront of my face.

I will keep you all posted this coming week. I am fine, I promise.

To chase the elusive "easy life".....

I claim this sunset as my own, I have watched it and praised it's beauty and it should belong to me. This view is no longer my own, we have sold our house, the one I love. I am in pursuit of "ease". I want to work less and be me more. I want my kids to remember me around....not so round. I have no time for the pursuits that I think will keep me sane and sound. I need to find and fight for the path that is right.. not expected and easy.

I wake at midnight last night to see my boys piled ontop of each other, it must be an instint to seach for touch and comfort even when not conscience of it. We yearn for closeness, its what is important.. this may hold all the keys to the answers we search for.

I saw a video of children being reunited with their parents away due to military committments, I was brought to tears that such small children can be scarred when their support and love are away. I would think a small 2 yr old wouldn't conceptualize time like an adult but when a girl said I love you and I missed you to a father that has been gone, it breaks my spirit. My freedom and patriotism are great..but could I survive on only my love of family?why YES I could. We choose not to sacrifice and of course it would feel bad. I know I was raised in a feel good world and we find pathes that are smooth and the pebbles washed away but I don't mind being a rock collector.

Todays entry is scattered, as my mind has been of late, I am a juggler that is "women" we must think and think and plan and plan until be are spent, then we may sleep to dream of our new futures. To throw worries to the wind to be cleared away by a greater God is hopeful and a prayer I will make but I must worry about that too...yet I still feel cleansed.

I will meet you here again if you are so entertained and will let my mind dance again.

Come to me.

Come to me, my Pierce....how can I entice you to take your first steps?


Come get your green car.

I have been working on my mommyhood and successfully not gaining any weight, yet my wine consumption remains steady. Excerise is like two 4 letter words put together.

I am so happy trying to get my life into balance I think it needs. I have cut back on work.Yippee. I will care for myself more than I have in the past.


The boys are doing fantastic. ray is having a much needed break from family life for the weekend and I am sure he is having a blast with his work friends in Catalina. On a clear day I can see the islands out my window, so I am told.
Pierce is now one and still a pleasant baby, that likes me more than sleep. Byron is witty and I am thankful I see his great sense of humor it is something I find is so attractive in character. My favorite story of late is he asked me to take a knife and cut the tip of his finger off, ..just alittle, so he could see if he had a skeleton inside himself. Wow where does this stuff come from? He also asked who he was the dad of and I told him only God know that, you have to wait to meet your child. He said "Will I like him?' Byron, my man, if he is like you or Pierce, yes you will!

I feel blessed most of the time and know this life has to be the best it can, Now not later..

Hair, a weighty issue.

Here is the before picture. Goodbye hair, you have seen alot.

Here is the squirrel tail they cut off me, 14 inches to donate to locks of love. This will become a bushy new wig for someone in need, the person will probably want to straighten the curly locks like I wanted to all the time.

Ta Da. I wonder how much hair weight I lost? I feel naked. I thought having more hair made me feel smaller as I hid behind it. Yet I feel younger and abit more perky.

Well, well, well, its been a good month since I last blogged, and all is... well, the kids are healthy and happy.Byron still continues to age me at an eccelerated pace...like the movie Jack with Robin Williams.aww that was a cute movie.

Ray has taken his professional engineering exam, he will hear in about 3 months. This test was a long time coming.

We are thinking of selling the house. I have been staining the fence all 100 feet of it and painting the trim. So big stuff in the works.

Lastly, I have not gained any weight and maybe lost about 2 more, I am just more aware and not obsessing over a "diet". I like this lifestyle I am carving out for myself.

Life interupts my life.

Well I am now back it will be 2 weeks tomorrow and I have exercised ONCE. It was for over an hour which at the time went very fast. I am now feeling much better as far as the aches and pains the swelling is gone in the achilles and my knees are knocking to get out and exercise. In due time I will get out there.

I now have some clarity as to the me I am to be...drum roll please. In the 2 weeks back I have had 4 Drs visits for my 2 sons. I was told ear infection for both kids and further evaluations needed for Pierce the 9 month old for strabismus, (lazy eye) I now notice it in the pictures, maybe he will wear an eye patch and say ARRG, hopefully not surgery. Little Pierce had a 104 temp last Friday and I had to leave work, it lasted for about 24 hours it would not break. Today I was called from work that Byron the 4 yr old was having a seizure at school for 10 minutes and the ambulance was taking him to Childrens. He hadn't had a febrile seizure in 2 yrs and I thought we were done with that.These boys don't care that my pants fit tight they just want to be loved and held when they hurt and I know that is my main priority and I am lucky to have this as my job at hand.

Byron said he thought my legs looked smaller and wanted to see my boobs, just to see if they were still big, he doesn't get that the weight lose I want and need should make all of me smaller. God love the boys, thin legs and big boobs, they don't need much more and I guess it starts early. I have lost 2 more pounds while at home but found myself today wanting "Chipolte" veggie bowl with a whole bag of chips since I had such a rough day, lets see how much wine I need tonight? Probably none since I will be watching every breath Byron takes tonight.

This is my life for infant and toddlerhood of my boys and I am fine with that for now.

Day 14 Home Sweet Home

I survivied. I did my last stop sign yesterday and with the injuries I finished 1 hour 9 minutes, alittle slower but I am still pleased.I did my test out before the 6 mile trek and still obsessed about the pounds when I know my shape is changing. I lost 2 more pounds. I really believed that a big number would appear as my measurement of success. I began to feel much better when the tape measurer came out.

Here are the stats.

4.1 pounds lost.

Chest 2.75 inches lost.

Belly 4.25 inches lost.

Hips 2.25 inches lost.

Thigh 1.5 inches lost.

Calf .25 inches lost.

Arm .5 inches lost.

Body fat 1.8% lost.

BMI .8 lost.

I am pleased as I slipped into my jeans they fit nicely and I walked with a little more confindence through the airport. I choose to go home a day early and surprise the fam.

Okay the first thing I did is I went right to a lounge and had a celebratory glass of wine. Ahh. It was strong and I am certain I was a cheap date, even though alone. The shuttle ride to Vegas I dreamed of all the food I could eat nothing sounded good or did it all sound good?

First stop when home was to go to our friends Jim and Robin's house to fetch our Byron, they helped out so much, it must have been hard work having 3 boys. I knew a glass of wine would be waiting for me and I obsessed about the lecture I went to where I was reminded not to drink my calories. I has only water and tea for 2 weeks. Pierce wouldn't smile at me for about a half hour, maybe he forgot me or maybe I looked too thin. Byron was surprised for about 2 seconds then went on to play with his buddy Max and Jake.

I woke up and took Byron out to the doughnut store and had a whole wheat bagel and BIG cup o' coffee. Wow my new lifestyle, I didn't even take a bite of his maple filled doughnut.

Tonight my first dinner I made the chicken parmesan I learned how to cook at one of the demos, it was so good and I had to have Annemarie and Rob and kids over as a thank you for all their help while I was away, she brough over several meals and t.hey made me feel so comfortable that everyone was well taken care of. I am so thankful for everyones help Kim took Byron out shopping at Target his most favorite place in the world , he takes after me. Mom babysat little Pierce too. We had a new babysitter that was wonderful too and I am grateful.

I did put down a deposit for another stay at the ranch because it was such a great and empowering "trip", I would never call it a vacation since it was so much more. I have yet to tell Ray this. They do have a special if you say I referred you, you get $100.00 off and so do I. We could do this together. I did wish some of my friends could have gone through this with me to have felt what I felt, but this time my journey was best served on my own. I was able to depend on strangers to be my support and they rose to the challenge, what great people my paths have crossed. I am truely blessed.

Day 12 Me and my skinny shadow.

Todays hike was Camelback and it was very challenging due to my injuries but I heard it was beautiful so I had to limp along and it proved worth the trip.

This hike was only 4 miles and difficult due to the lava rock and lactolithes and you can see the cinder cone inthe background. The hike then became more sandstone and sand and the gang rocked it.

This picture is our starting point and you can see the 2 small mounds inthe center of the picture, look hard its the furthest thing... thats camelback and we hiked to it. It seemed impossible when we started but so does surviving on less than 1200 calories so really its not that bad.

Here we are at a vortex that has water at the bottom but made for a super cool shadow shot, see the skinny mini with sass in her hips????Thats me.

This is one hump of Camelback and thats the gang on it. I was freaking out and thought it too high. Can you believe we went that far? I swear we can do anything.

The mad rush off this high peak, It looks so cool. Well that was the first 2 1/2 hours of my day. The to the pool which was perfect. AHHHH I swear I consider it my bath for the day now that I believe its my sweat I taste in it. EWWW Im kidding.

I didn't like the lunch much (chicken stew) so I had toast and 6 almonds and a small salad. Surprisingly I am satisfied. I would have died at home on that and been emmaciated and shaking in the corner on that diet. I am starting to realize food is fuel. Really. Then a lecture about an at home plan for working out.

I had plenty of strength to do 2 cardio curcuit classes and kicked it up to 7 mph onthe treadmill for that last interval. Hard stuff. After that was cardio disco dance jam. OHH I loved it and if I were coordinated I would have relaxed more, The class was called zumba and we did cuban shuffle, lally lally and banged out our bodies. It was funny and sweaty.

Now off to dinner, I can't remember what it is and you would think it would be all I could think about. If I don;t like it I can get a boca burger on sandwich thins for 200 calories. Oh Cherise reminded me its a meatball sandwich. HUM I am wondering how it will look differant from any sandwich I have seen before. This is why I got the cookbook here its amazing what the chef can do. I gotta go eat. Yum.

Tomorrow the stop sign beckons me like a lost lover.

Day 11 It should be heaven.

My favorite trainer, Sharron, yes she rocks and is built like a missle. She kicks my butt in kickboxing and today in treading class, thats where you got balls to the wall for 5 minutes then 5 minute recovery then again hard for 4 minutes and a 4 minute recovery then to 3 minutes etc. I went up to 6.5 on the treadmill until my knee was going to collapse but I am bandaged up with kinesio tape and I don't know if it helped or hurt me more.

Started the day with a 7 mile hike at West Canyon it is so flat and relatively easy yet it was raining and very very windy, thank goodness I had Carrie with me and we chatted the whole 2 hours between shivering and teeth chattering. My favorite was strech after the hike I love that. I had a cooking class today and I will definatly make the meal for Ray when I get home only 300 calories for zucchini soup and chicken parmesan. Yummy. Then to the pool where is was still so windy and dark clouds overhead. I feel like it is a controlled drowning when I am in there which may be euphoric since I loved the class. A dreaded ball workout until my shoulders ached and my arms became spagetti noodle which I should have eaten. sharrons treading class followed and I was hurting so badly but trudged on, then a lecture on menu planning for when I go home. I think it was a good day.

Ended the day with the purchase of a beautiful ring, shopping always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, its almost as good as eating out with friends and laughing hard. I am doing laudry now and it feels like I am home. AWWW I miss doing laundry at home and I miss my boys all 3 of them.

Day 10, I am getting the hang of this on the last rung.

Today I hiked Slots a beautiful and difficult hike about 5 miles or so. this area was inhabited by the Anasazi Indians from 200 AD to 1250AD. Then came the Paiute Indians up until 1800's. Some of these petryglyphs are 1200 yrs old. I wish I knew what they meant.

There were some very narrow passages, and if I could read the writing on the wall, it may have said turn back.

This is Wedding rock with some of us "cool" people, yeah right we were the ones not afraid of heights, since the drop off is deadly. I do think the term "elope" started because the Indians did not want to hike out this far for a ceremony.

Paulette heres your daughter waving to you, boy is this high up.

This is my super cool roommate Cherise, who "rocked' this hike. She wanted to go back from here so Merinda and I went with the guide and we got lost getting back but it made for a really cool trip making our own way through the cactus, rocks and other pokey things.

Okay okay so that was the first 2 hours of my day, then came curcuit class which I preceeded to cry since my knee and achilles hurt so bad while on the treadmill gettingup to 5.5mph. I iced and medicated myself appropriately and continued to open gym and did another 5 miles on the bike all alone not another person in there. Then I had mountain class you go up in speed or intesity every 3 minutes for 13 times. UGHHHHHH. I did another 9 miles. We are not done with the day no way...we had pool class again then kickboxing my absolute favorite. It was sunny and beautiful again today maybe in the 60's. Ahhhh so much better then last week when I had wind burns on my face.

I wrapped my night off with a massage and she skipped over the ears they of course are still fine.

Day 9 I am feeling fine.

Today I am feeling strong and so glad that I stayed in my room and told my roommate to wrestle me if I leave to cheat last night, I hear they have actually duct taped a person in his room, but I think for differant reasons....they just didn't want him to come out. ( Was that you Jim?)

Today I hiked 5.5 miles at Third ravine and we also did 1st ravine too it was so steep and my knee was aching I so wished I had a mule like at the Grand Canyon, I can't believe it I even saw bike tracks I can't image how one would do this. This is a shot from a differant bat cave, it was so great how the sun could find its was in to all of us sweaty "athletes" in this very confinded space.

I did the salty pool twice I must be coming around I don't avoid it and do a totally hard class instead. Then onto cardio curcuit class 3.3 miles on the eliptical which sucks but there is a podietrist herre now and she knew of my bad ankel and said I woudl hurt myself more if I did my favorite treadmill. Instead of Drs orders it was "Dr ordered" I will risk it and do a machine I like for a forever 45 minute long class. Its is s o difficult already, I made it harder. Then onto total body training oh it burns so bad but you feel so great afterwards. Always afterwards is the best. I just heard a nice saying "Life is like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired."

Tonight we are watching the Biggest Loser and for the first time in my life I am not eating dessert and watching it I am icing my knee and ankle with both legs up on a exercise ball in the aerobics room with others. I am heading back to the room since my butt fell asleep...see that shows you how tired I am it starts at the bottom then works up.

Stop in the name of love....

I love this damn stop sign. The timed portion of this hike we start at about 3000 elevation and end at 4000 feet. It totally breaks you as you do it, but the finally result is sheer love and adoration for this metal pole. I can't have enough pictures of my by it. Damn thing.

Weel I beat my time fro mjust 2 days ago and I didn't think I could push any harder I finished this part 1 hour and 4 minutes for the 4.4 miles. I then had time to go to the overlook and see my accomplishment and its impressive.

This is the overlook another 2.2 miles and I hiked alone so I had to take a cheesey picture of myself, I am not a fan of taking pictures myself but I have a friend who loves it. You know who you are:)

The day was absolutely beautiful and I hope my dad was with me because he would have loved this. I think he would be very proud of me as I break all these barriers.

Today I got alittle discouraged about the stupid scale as a reflection of my success, and I know its not the thing that matters. Well I did feel like leaving campus and cheating but did not. But I was very close. I start justifying that my body is storing these measely 1100-1200 calories since it thinks I am starving as I push it to do 7 hours of exercise every day.Fear not I have not faultered but I had to share this moment of weakness that I am struggling with as I have only lost the 2 pounds and I have ice on my ankle and my knee hurts and I will do this all over again tomorrow and miss my family. I just needed a comfort food or cockytail. I am still plodding on until tomorrow.

On the 7th day the Lord rested..

I hope that it doesn't sound like I am the Lord, but did I rest.Amen. I must be getting more religious in Mormon country but have yet to pick up a sister wife for Ray to aide in my wifely duties. Wheww.

Heidi, Cherise and I went to a movie and it felt like we were inthe real world except I could only smell the popcorn and couldn't have any diet soda and passed on the whole box of licorice I would eat before the movie was 1/2 over. Water only at the theather I had never done before.

The newbies came in all bright eyed and excited boy they will surely have a differant look by this time tomorrow, if they only knew. I feel like a pro here.

Okay the hard part to write.............we had our weigh in and it was alittle, lets say devastating. I lost only 2 pounds, I busted my butt and increased my intensity everyday and I feel stronger and my pants fit alittle cutier inthe butt, yet I needed a measure of my success and didn't get that today. I know I gave 100% and I am not sure I can push harder this next week??? I am well supported here by great people and even better bras, what would I do without those?

All right folks I will be here all weak ooopsy week.

Day 6, if I could I would pick up sticks.

Colbie Caillat concert was so hard to stay awake for, we all were drfting off and some flat out slept. I cried when I saw a lady walk by with her baby, it was just too much for me to take I miss my little boys so much, but of course I am right on schedule for the emotional stuff that hits while here, we are finally giving ourselves time and I am not mommy for 2 weeks, its good but I miss that role.

Today was the timed stop sign hike, we must try to push past our Monday time. Well Well Well I beat it by 12 minutes. 1 hour and 7 minutes that part is 4.4 miles up hill. I did another 1 1/2 miles down for about 6 miles this morning. I was very pleased so many people jammed up that stink'n hill. We are all pushing the bar up. It feels great to be around some many people that don't quit when it burns like fire. I almost hate to say it but I might look alittle smaller. This may be working.

Paulette these are for you, your daughter flew up that hill and beat her time by 12 minutes too. I really like being around Jerica, her energy is great. This is a picture of her darn near making out with the stop sign that we love to hate.

Jerica loving the stop sign.

Suzie fromthe Biggest Loser season 2 was here this week and I remember eating dessert and drinking wine every Tuesday and cheering her on from my couch, so it was nice to cheer her on here and have her in my corner too. Man can we disco jam together.

Well Sat is a half day, sounds like we are slackers huh? We already did a 2 .5 hour hike and a curcuit class that is finally giving me some biceps and we can have some time to crawl back into pjs and watch the girlie movies I brought from home and read a book and take a bath wow I feel like I am on vacation, except the ice is on my ankle and not in a alcoholic drink.

Roomie Cherise and I are finally in the room together at the same time and I am so looking forward to her karaoke tonight, I hear she is a rock star and I will expect lullabyes every night. The graduation ceremonies for the departing folks should be emotional its hard to commiserate with people for a whole week and then have them go back to the real world.

Special note to Cat Cee you will do fantastic.

Day 5. Im making enough change to invest in myself...

Lets start if off with a kickboxing class at 6AM to get the juices flowing. I think that was a great class, but the best part was the stretch at the end when I got to hug myself. AWWW It hard here without friends and family to be schmoopy with. This group is super supportive and making friends is easy but you know they will leave soon so that becomes difficult, I will miss some women that I have become very close with, Joanne has been a great cheerleader for me here.

I did a almost 4 mile hike into West Canyon and then ran it out so that felt good all before 10:30 am. Who knew I could do this? I didn't even know. I did a circuit classa aftert and next to a girl that is a amazing athlete, Lianne she can power and it was nice to have her near me so I could try and keep up with her numbers, I was doing 7mph on the treadmill and level 12 on the bike. Boy I was impressed with her and wanted to keep up. The most fun I have had sweating buckets was in Disco jam class and it rocked, I did it twice . I will look like a crazy person on a dance floor now with these moves. OOOOWWW. Maybe I can try them tonight at the concert.

Every muscle is still aching and I walk like a penguin, but I think elite athletes look like that too sometimes. There was a pro football player here and he said they only workout 5 1/2 hours a day during the season and we workout more than that, today I did 7 hours of exercise. Can you imagine? Maybe I could be a kicker for the Chargers???? HUMM I will ask for an application.

Day 4 Mushrooms belong in a pasture.

Today I hiked Snow Canyon pretty much alone, I did the stop sign hike and beat my Monday time by 2 minutes. 1 hour and 17 minutes is impressive, I think. Then I did another couple of miles down for a total of 6 1/2 miles. I was reminded of something a high school friend has said "What 1 hour out of your day? You can do anything for 1 hour." His words are a mantra I need to repeat about 7 times in a day here.


Today I began to feel small, not in pant size, but really dwarfed by the huge mountains, and also realized that I have not connected with the world around me. Its beauty is so vast and I have only just become to see its true colors, (thank you to Cyndi Lauper)


After returning to the ranch I went off to the pool and now know I must have been beaten down into submission because I loved it, really enjoied it, weights and all. The sweat water now tastes like the Pacific Ocean or a great sushi roll. I liked it so much I did 2 classes of it today.

Lunch oh my I have loved everything so far, until today. Dreaded mushroom soup, proof here that I did try it. The verdict was a thumbs down. The calorie intake for the whole day would have been 1081ish but I skipped out of the breakfast and ditched the soup and traded out the dinner so my intake was less than 1000 today.

One would think I could eat the back side of my hand by now but I am still a finicky eater. I refuse to love mushrooms and the next thing you know tomorrows menu may have pickle soup and I promise I won't ever try that, that will never change.I don't have Kim here to eat it for me.

I continued with on to treading class and went another 3 miles on the treadmill going up to 7.5 mph. I was very pleased with myself and had a good time loving the pain, since you see we have very little entertainment here.There was sa ball work class here and it was all quads and abds ugh it hurt pretty good too.

I only had 1 lecture today it was a cooking demo, so I treated myself to a massage (thanks to Lynette) It was fantastic, Nacole was a god send until she put her fingers in my ears then tugged at my earlobes, I have to believe there are no muscles there and I am certain it was the only place on my body that didn't hurt.

Tomorrow a group is going to a concert we are going to see Colbie Caillat, leading this group is Jim from Wisconsin a real "cheesy" funny guy. I think I am going to like him, he is a seasoned guy around here kinda like tabasco.