Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I did get my pathology results in today and I was surprised that there were 2 areas of cancer and that it had spread to the lymph nodes. I am hoping it is all out and has been sent to the incinerator, if that is where disease goes to die? Not on a shelf with the name Cunningham on it somewhere. I will now have the radioactive iodine treatment done as this cancers form of chemotherapy. I will take a pill or a liquid of a highly reactive isotope that will keep my away from my children for over a week and into isolation, wow me alone with my thoughts. Shit. Is that lonely or crazy? Follow me and we will see.It may be a train wreak or quite nice I can't tell yet.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Here are the monkeys today that I needed to get home to and I cannot get Byron to smile for the life of me, every single picture this year has the same weird face. He is just like me and it drives me wild. I am still surprised he is not an only child.
There is little Pierce still a good boy and does what he is told on command. He is so big because he eats his fruits and veggies and will tower over Byron, who only eats sugar. Good boys usually, but they love eachother tons.
Friday, December 3, 2010
This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I knew this would be the result but didn't realize I would feels so sad. I know I must take certain steps like staging and surgery and radiation, after care but should I really remember that I haven't baptized my baby? I must make sure I plan and plan and plan to that no one ever has to question what I want best for my 2 babies.
Ray and I had a great date night to talk and plan and it was a wonderful night to make sure I am still connected to the one love.My dear friend Robin too is helping and doesn't know how much so, other than the play dates sleep overs and wine supply. Byron is away for a sleep over and Piece was so sleepy in his stroller in the restaurant that Ray and I just ate great sushi and drank fine libations that it felt like a wonderful Friday date night but the talk was of cancer. I even got to pull the cancer card when he said we should go and I said "lets just have another round and talk some more come on I have cancer."
Ray is awesome, I hope he is not reading this because I will have trouble making him do the dishes now. He really is quite nice and way better than me. I should be like him and hope the kids are like him, but I know Byron is just like me and it cracks me up when he tells Ray that he is a bad driver and that Ray is scared of spiders and that mom just does it so much better. I just love that.
I do know that my fear is, while men when alone are so darn attractive when struggling with kids that women just fall all over them. I told Ray just stay single for a year then remarry someone I would find ugly and I give my blessing and will never haunt them. I would just want someone to hug my children, thats all, even when they don't want it which just happens every day. I must squeeze my boys into submission everyday just make sure they feel loved and annoyed properly.
Please dont worry about me I am fine I will beat this.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.
There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Drum roll please....
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I am still waiting my results and feel so at peace that its already known..weird that I am so okay with this. I am finding me along this" waiting path". I like me, I do. I feel my character is strong and I won't be too ashamed that I am not strong allthe time..but I will maybe alittle.
I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
I will keep you all posted this coming week. I am fine, I promise.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Come get your green car.
I have been working on my mommyhood and successfully not gaining any weight, yet my wine consumption remains steady. Excerise is like two 4 letter words put together.
I am so happy trying to get my life into balance I think it needs. I have cut back on work.Yippee. I will care for myself more than I have in the past.
The boys are doing fantastic. ray is having a much needed break from family life for the weekend and I am sure he is having a blast with his work friends in Catalina. On a clear day I can see the islands out my window, so I am told.
Pierce is now one and still a pleasant baby, that likes me more than sleep. Byron is witty and I am thankful I see his great sense of humor it is something I find is so attractive in character. My favorite story of late is he asked me to take a knife and cut the tip of his finger off, ..just alittle, so he could see if he had a skeleton inside himself. Wow where does this stuff come from? He also asked who he was the dad of and I told him only God know that, you have to wait to meet your child. He said "Will I like him?' Byron, my man, if he is like you or Pierce, yes you will!
I feel blessed most of the time and know this life has to be the best it can, Now not later..
Monday, April 26, 2010
Here is the squirrel tail they cut off me, 14 inches to donate to locks of love. This will become a bushy new wig for someone in need, the person will probably want to straighten the curly locks like I wanted to all the time.
Ray has taken his professional engineering exam, he will hear in about 3 months. This test was a long time coming.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Here are the stats.
4.1 pounds lost.
Chest 2.75 inches lost.
Belly 4.25 inches lost.
Hips 2.25 inches lost.
Thigh 1.5 inches lost.
Calf .25 inches lost.
Arm .5 inches lost.
Body fat 1.8% lost.
BMI .8 lost.
I am pleased as I slipped into my jeans they fit nicely and I walked with a little more confindence through the airport. I choose to go home a day early and surprise the fam.
Okay the first thing I did is I went right to a lounge and had a celebratory glass of wine. Ahh. It was strong and I am certain I was a cheap date, even though alone. The shuttle ride to Vegas I dreamed of all the food I could eat nothing sounded good or did it all sound good?
First stop when home was to go to our friends Jim and Robin's house to fetch our Byron, they helped out so much, it must have been hard work having 3 boys. I knew a glass of wine would be waiting for me and I obsessed about the lecture I went to where I was reminded not to drink my calories. I has only water and tea for 2 weeks. Pierce wouldn't smile at me for about a half hour, maybe he forgot me or maybe I looked too thin. Byron was surprised for about 2 seconds then went on to play with his buddy Max and Jake.
I woke up and took Byron out to the doughnut store and had a whole wheat bagel and BIG cup o' coffee. Wow my new lifestyle, I didn't even take a bite of his maple filled doughnut.
Tonight my first dinner I made the chicken parmesan I learned how to cook at one of the demos, it was so good and I had to have Annemarie and Rob and kids over as a thank you for all their help while I was away, she brough over several meals and t.hey made me feel so comfortable that everyone was well taken care of. I am so thankful for everyones help Kim took Byron out shopping at Target his most favorite place in the world , he takes after me. Mom babysat little Pierce too. We had a new babysitter that was wonderful too and I am grateful.
I did put down a deposit for another stay at the ranch because it was such a great and empowering "trip", I would never call it a vacation since it was so much more. I have yet to tell Ray this. They do have a special if you say I referred you, you get $100.00 off and so do I. We could do this together. I did wish some of my friends could have gone through this with me to have felt what I felt, but this time my journey was best served on my own. I was able to depend on strangers to be my support and they rose to the challenge, what great people my paths have crossed. I am truely blessed.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Here we are at a vortex that has water at the bottom but made for a super cool shadow shot, see the skinny mini with sass in her hips????Thats me.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Started the day with a 7 mile hike at West Canyon it is so flat and relatively easy yet it was raining and very very windy, thank goodness I had Carrie with me and we chatted the whole 2 hours between shivering and teeth chattering. My favorite was strech after the hike I love that. I had a cooking class today and I will definatly make the meal for Ray when I get home only 300 calories for zucchini soup and chicken parmesan. Yummy. Then to the pool where is was still so windy and dark clouds overhead. I feel like it is a controlled drowning when I am in there which may be euphoric since I loved the class. A dreaded ball workout until my shoulders ached and my arms became spagetti noodle which I should have eaten. sharrons treading class followed and I was hurting so badly but trudged on, then a lecture on menu planning for when I go home. I think it was a good day.
Ended the day with the purchase of a beautiful ring, shopping always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, its almost as good as eating out with friends and laughing hard. I am doing laudry now and it feels like I am home. AWWW I miss doing laundry at home and I miss my boys all 3 of them.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Today I hiked 5.5 miles at Third ravine and we also did 1st ravine too it was so steep and my knee was aching I so wished I had a mule like at the Grand Canyon, I can't believe it I even saw bike tracks I can't image how one would do this. This is a shot from a differant bat cave, it was so great how the sun could find its was in to all of us sweaty "athletes" in this very confinded space.
I did the salty pool twice I must be coming around I don't avoid it and do a totally hard class instead. Then onto cardio curcuit class 3.3 miles on the eliptical which sucks but there is a podietrist herre now and she knew of my bad ankel and said I woudl hurt myself more if I did my favorite treadmill. Instead of Drs orders it was "Dr ordered" I will risk it and do a machine I like for a forever 45 minute long class. Its is s o difficult already, I made it harder. Then onto total body training oh it burns so bad but you feel so great afterwards. Always afterwards is the best. I just heard a nice saying "Life is like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired."
Tonight we are watching the Biggest Loser and for the first time in my life I am not eating dessert and watching it I am icing my knee and ankle with both legs up on a exercise ball in the aerobics room with others. I am heading back to the room since my butt fell asleep...see that shows you how tired I am it starts at the bottom then works up.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The day was absolutely beautiful and I hope my dad was with me because he would have loved this. I think he would be very proud of me as I break all these barriers.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Heidi, Cherise and I went to a movie and it felt like we were inthe real world except I could only smell the popcorn and couldn't have any diet soda and passed on the whole box of licorice I would eat before the movie was 1/2 over. Water only at the theather I had never done before.
The newbies came in all bright eyed and excited boy they will surely have a differant look by this time tomorrow, if they only knew. I feel like a pro here.
Okay the hard part to write.............we had our weigh in and it was alittle, lets say devastating. I lost only 2 pounds, I busted my butt and increased my intensity everyday and I feel stronger and my pants fit alittle cutier inthe butt, yet I needed a measure of my success and didn't get that today. I know I gave 100% and I am not sure I can push harder this next week??? I am well supported here by great people and even better bras, what would I do without those?
All right folks I will be here all weak ooopsy week.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Jerica loving the stop sign.
Friday, February 26, 2010
I did a almost 4 mile hike into West Canyon and then ran it out so that felt good all before 10:30 am. Who knew I could do this? I didn't even know. I did a circuit classa aftert and next to a girl that is a amazing athlete, Lianne she can power and it was nice to have her near me so I could try and keep up with her numbers, I was doing 7mph on the treadmill and level 12 on the bike. Boy I was impressed with her and wanted to keep up. The most fun I have had sweating buckets was in Disco jam class and it rocked, I did it twice . I will look like a crazy person on a dance floor now with these moves. OOOOWWW. Maybe I can try them tonight at the concert.
Every muscle is still aching and I walk like a penguin, but I think elite athletes look like that too sometimes. There was a pro football player here and he said they only workout 5 1/2 hours a day during the season and we workout more than that, today I did 7 hours of exercise. Can you imagine? Maybe I could be a kicker for the Chargers???? HUMM I will ask for an application.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today I began to feel small, not in pant size, but really dwarfed by the huge mountains, and also realized that I have not connected with the world around me. Its beauty is so vast and I have only just become to see its true colors, (thank you to Cyndi Lauper)
After returning to the ranch I went off to the pool and now know I must have been beaten down into submission because I loved it, really enjoied it, weights and all. The sweat water now tastes like the Pacific Ocean or a great sushi roll. I liked it so much I did 2 classes of it today.
Lunch oh my I have loved everything so far, until today. Dreaded mushroom soup, proof here that I did try it. The verdict was a thumbs down. The calorie intake for the whole day would have been 1081ish but I skipped out of the breakfast and ditched the soup and traded out the dinner so my intake was less than 1000 today.
One would think I could eat the back side of my hand by now but I am still a finicky eater. I refuse to love mushrooms and the next thing you know tomorrows menu may have pickle soup and I promise I won't ever try that, that will never change.I don't have Kim here to eat it for me.
I continued with on to treading class and went another 3 miles on the treadmill going up to 7.5 mph. I was very pleased with myself and had a good time loving the pain, since you see we have very little entertainment here.There was sa ball work class here and it was all quads and abds ugh it hurt pretty good too.