Sunday, May 15, 2011

Look me in the eye and tell me that I am satisfied.

I am satisfied. Thank you Replacements. Some days are more satisfying to lose my mom persona and feel more free, less mature. ...back when I was listening to these solid bands like Violent Femmes. Good Feeling...wishing it would stay just a little bit longer. These pictures are just a glimpse for me to see an alter ego....provocative girl. I am sure my husband is surprised too. Its nice to throw a curve even to ones self.
I am feeling healthy andstill very tired and playing the waiting game. I do feel like its still there and we need the radiation to keep blasting and working awhile longer. I think maybe they wait longer to see results so they can say its a recurrence and not persistent disease, it must look better onthe books like they didn't miss something.
The boys are awesome and crazy at the same time. My current complaint is I am yelling "pull up your pants" way too often. I hope its a normal phase and not creepy. I assume that I did the same thing and thankfully there are no pictures.

I forget that I am a women until I see this picture. Wow I am real. All moms should go and see another side of themselves. All women everywhere should see another side of themselves too. Sometimes a lens can see thru to our souls and we look unrecognizable and its offputting and wonderful at the same time. I don't know who the real one is I think its probably the one without the makeup that wipe snot off my kids nose onto my sleeve and just folds it up. Yeah thats the one.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

On the rocky road ...not an ice cream.

So February used to belong to me, even though I couldn't spell it. Ray and I celebrated our 14th anniversary of our first blind date. A girl named Kathy Goodman set us up , it worked. She has never been thanked properly and doesn't even know we have 2 beautiful children, all because she reached out to us both and changed our lives and our futures. Kathy died and we still have not written a letter to her parents and they should know that as troubled as her life felt she made a family for our home. People reach others and never know the impact. I want to tell her we love her and thank you, thank you, thank you, through my tears tonight. Mostly I wished I was a better friend to see your aching and wrap my arms around you and tell you your are special. Lets just do that tomorrow and tell someone they matter, it may make a differance and it may change the world we live in.

Well I had another birthday this weekend, my 41st, actually I don't get those anymore so I will not be aging since Byron was born a day later. Children do overtake a parents life. He had a nice party of 55 people and 25 reptiles on a rainy day all inside my home. UGH. I only hope others enjoied themselves, I was a crazy lady that day, that couldn't keep hold of my wine glass.
My lizard boy is now 5. I do believe this year he will amaze me since his humor and definace are in full form. Who is he related to?
Just the other day he got mad at me and said he hated me infront of many other parents, so I said "you talking to me like that?" "No, Im talking to myself." I wished I could have crawled into a hole, I clearly had no control. Yet as a child I used to write notes to remember when I'd wake up that I was mad at my parents....every time-out in my room I would fall asleep. In fact in 2nd grade I said my favorite hobby was sleeping.
The humor I can tolerate alot better. The laugh he has is awesome. I love when he hugs and tries to snuggle with his brother ( Pierce hates it).
Onto the health front I am now having a issue with my left parotid gland, it resides infront of the ear onthe cheek area, well it is swollen and so very painful I haven't been able to sleep well for the last 2 days. I only sleep about 5 hours a night anyway but my nights are alittle longer now. It even hurts to smile which I must do alot of since I was tortured today. I hear this is a normal complication of radiation and usually occurs weeks later,it can last for weeks, months or be permanent. Seems dreadful. My next follow up is March 21st and this all seems just too far away for my family and friends, I am behaving rather passive and Im not sure why, I hope its not defeat
but a relaxed quality, I am hoping I now possess.
Its a year since I started this blog whe I was waiting to be a 40 yr old lady finding her place and I think I have and that I am on the way at least, okay pointing the right direction.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Well since I last wrote I have had 3 whole body scans and have been sitting on the edge of my seat.The results came in today. I did have some uptake that was to show where the cancer would still be residing, well there were several areas of uptake (lighting up)in my neck that could turn out they may be physiologic ie. NORMAL. and if they are not normal then we must rely on the radioactive isotope to continue to kick its ass. I will go in and have some blood work done that looks at my cancer marker Tg thyroid globulin levels and hope it goes down to zero or trace levels only, it is at 19. If it stays up or goes up from zero we will know it is back or still persisting and deal with that hand of cards later. I feel like I can let out my breath and sigh relief. AHHHHHH

I am laying in bed with my 2 boys and dog and Ray and have a nice glass of red and my computer and I feel super at peace. I was so stressed and didn't really know how much until I just started reflecting. I may turn to jello now with this bit behind me. I am still not so sharp with my mental faculties, and that may not let up. I do know enough that I have been lucky and others have things so much harder. Others have things easier and already appreciate their fortune, I did need some adversity to come to my conclusions, I am a slow learner sometimes.

I have been so blessed to have a large support group that said magical words when I needed them and was able to laugh when I was obsessing about my bowels. I tries to be stoic and not let my guard down but found lots of comfort. People from my past reconnected and made me feel like the world was really a small place and that we are all connected and it is an amazing coincidence that we are all alive at the same time and can reach each other still.

Its a good night.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sad face won't last.

This is how I have been feeling for the last few days. My poor kid just didn't get any candy from a pinata at a birthday party. yeah thats pretty bad too. He is a small guy and I am feeling small.

Well I had my whole body scan on Thursday and was expecting to put this all behind me but lymph nodes lite up . I am not sure what this all means yet I have to go back tomorrow for more pictures inthe nuclear medicine department which seems like a mysterious area to me in medicine, no one in the hospital seems to know what they do behind close doors. I may just shuffle around tomorrow trying to find out their secrets. I hope I don't need surgery soon, maybe the radiation I had was enough to stun the cancer into submission.

I wish this easy cancer knew how to behave, it seems to be behaving poorly and needs a time out. I will keep you posted.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Post radioactive isotope is RAD.

This the lead lined canister that contained 2 blue pills that had about 153 millicuries of radioactive material. I put it on my hand then was going to take a picture and was told to hurry and get it off my hand since the radiation being emitted was so high it needed to get into me quickly. Yeah that will make me swallow it down faster.

Immediately the Geiger counter came out and it registered 74 milliRems per hour emitting from my abdomen. Within just 24 hours it dropped down to about 45 millirems per hour. Planes are not allowed to fly at that high of an elevation due to effects on passengers in the plane and alarms go off to make sure they stay well below 50millirems of cosmic radiation.

The next day I dropped down to about 3millirems emitted per hour of radiation which is like background levels, still high enough to make sure I keep my distance.
The isolation room I was confined to was intolerable for these few days was lined in plastic and I must say it was a personal prison for me with the occasional very poor treatment, since the staff was not well prepared for someone like me, only about 2 people a month if that go through this treatment. I was like a leper that could throw a limb at the staff so there was very little interaction at all, just the intercom and a phone wrapped in plastic. Wow I found that isolation was isolating Weird huh? Stockholm syndrome is real I was throwing myself at the first person that would put more than their arm into my room.
I am now home and missed my family as it is now day 6 from treatment and I have to confess, I was kept longer due to my stage fright to produce a bowel movement. SHIT yes..I was given 10 medications in less than 20 hours to produce said product to no avail. My radiation levels would drop more quickly if we could close this deal. I was sent home with 4 differant meds to help complete this mission, they were very concerned since they would have no place to put me if I needed to be readmitted into the hospital easily. I have spoken to more people about crap than I would care to admit and I will leave with only that there has been success and I must say I debated renting a plane to fly a banner.
I will have a full body scan on Thursday and await good news that there will be no spots that light up. Lets hope for that. I will eat sushi until I develope some worm or fin.
Goodnight my friends and I thank each and everyone of you for the inspiration that lights a unchartered path for me. THANK YOU.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Finally I will be one HOT chick....

Yup One HOT chick. I do laundry.I am getting my life in order to be away from the family for about 8 days. I am to stay 3 to 6 feet away due to my hot factor. On Monday I will become radioactive as I start my hopefully, final treatment, for cancer. I must get the stinking ass laundry room in check before grandma Kay arrives, she must think that raising kids now a days has gotten so easy shmeazy for us old Gen X ers. Or or we Generation Y? Why have we ever labeled ourselves?I have dumbed down so much I don't know what I am....
I have such large bags under my eyes that I have trouble finding my way around.I would never recognize a Y or an X or a Z . This getting hypothyroid for my treatment makes me very tired and forgetful, I am clearly not very sharp. When Byron asked if the fruit orange was named after the color orange I was stumped. Not really sure still.
I go in on Monday morning for radiation so much so I will be in isolation for about 2 full days. I will get about 150 millicurie of radioactive isotopes...that is alot if we can rememeber physics.
I do know someone had to get the lowest score and on one exam that was me as I had to point out to the teacher in college that we all contribute to the bell curve. You are welcome class of 1995.
Well I will be finally so hot that I need my own radiation safety officer to check me daily. I cannot have my cell phone or computer as I will contaminate them with radiation so I will have those old 13 channels dial changer tvs in my room and probably a rotery telephone too. UGGGG to go so 80's how did I survive? Oh thats right I was out dating and carrying on and bypassed technolgy. Im not sure I cared then, I was busy. BUT I care now....
I must say the kids are great about it all , Byron just wants to know what day I can't sleep with him....weird Ray doesn't seem to ask..hum .. It will be about 2 weeks without a snuggle from my kids oooooothat it soooooo hard. So I will let grandma K take over and do the cooking and snuggling and momming for awhile. It is really hard.
I wil be reading and pillow surfing and that should fill my days this is ever moms dream to check out of momdom and vacate the position for some way needed R&R. I will probably look liike a fetus when I leave the hospital, I will surely chew my own cord off since I have so much experience as a 40isher. REALLY is that what I am? Did I just make up that silly word? Yup i did. Maybe this is the last time you will see it.
Wish me well in my own thoughts for several days and not hang myself with a IV tubing. God speed to a less vomitous week to come.
PS I may have to get some of that ovation hair therapy as I am thinning like an eldrly lady.