Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My minds eye is blind or at least nearsighted.

I have grown cold and my life needed something to touch my heart and make me feel again...what I didn't expect was another life, a friend to be able to cripple me at my knees. It awoke a beast that is best not confronted when unarmed, DEATH and ones own immortality. When a mother is gone so is the ordinary day. The highs the lows the regular days are all gone. Sickness is creepy and can slither into a home and crack it apart. Children could still turn out okay but would they have been better? They are powerful forces, these kids, yet are pliable and can break. As I mom I never want my boys to feel a weighty sadness or fear or longing for love or have an ache that permeates into their bones...those are my fears nothing for myself all for them. I will swallow sadness, fear or lose of love and eat it whole. Children need the gift of an ordinary day smothered in love and not fearful of the unknown. The unknown. What is that? What isn't that?

I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.

There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.

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