This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.
I was told I could tattoo the scar but all I thought of were a tattoo of hands ringing my neck. I am not much for tattoo's, I do like them, I could even love them but I cannot commit to one forever. I am more of a "one night stand" with tattoo's, I would wish I didn't do as much or done this or that. See, a failure to commit to art.
I have also been reminded of the compassion in people, they give and don't always see the lasting impact. I have been blessed by a wonderful support of friends and family and even new acquaintances. The world seems jaded at times but these people around me are real and they make up a better world., how lucky is that? The words I have recieved have not been lost in the wind, I cherish them.
My other worry other than my head being cut off is the my 4 yr old will be afraid or scared. I bought many scarfs so that I can mask my neck. I do want to show him that if you get sick you can get better, not everyone dies. Yet we must respect disease and be grateful for the cures, and we can still curse the sickness and the inability to cure. I have made light of this lately and I know I am worried and scared since I would rather not get cut open tomorrow but I must and I will heal and be well.
Things will be normal again soon and I will have my ordinary life back, it starts again tomorrow when I become cancer free. On the operating table I will be fighting cancer and in the recovery room I will be a survivor.
I am ready to get this started and so it will be.