Pack up and bail day 6.

Day 6.

Okay so I was super loney and felt isolated so I bailed. I am now at the Fairmont Miramar Santa Monica. Absolutely on my terms.

Oh yes !!!!

First I started my day with a hike to Sadle Point. It was a great hike yet I felt it was easy...oh yeah I'm a hike snob now. We did aout 1.3 miles in 50 minutes and assended 1000 feet. Pretty freak'n good. It totaled about 3.5 miles total and it was the shortest I've done...yes I could have done more since I am an athlete now...Oh yeah!! Then was the last chance workout about 1.5 hours of circiut training. boy it was hot and I am sunburnt. But I am clearly an athlete now and it was easy...haha.

This is my view from my treadmill at the Fairmont Miramar hotel in Santa Monica. I checked in and then found the hotel gym...Holy Shit these kinds of gyms are nice. Hada rosemary/cucumber water and I watched my favorite movie Super Trooper and just past that was the ocean for a view. I kicked out about 2.5 miles run then had a chauffuer drive me down to dinner. They must have thought I was special because the owner had to come chat with me...yes Salvidor I love the Blue Oyster Plate restaurant. I was super health conscience... to the point I turned away homemade sweet potatoe chips..Crazy!

I am being totally selfish since I could have driven home and been with my kids and Ray but I chose to do more" me" time. I am worthy and will show the world that I can make a difference!

Thank you Ray fro allowing me to become a better me. I love you and apprieciate you!!!!!

PS Thank you to Aunt Kim for making the kids feel special! and for the awesome meals, you rock! Thank you Aunt Tracy for helping and cupcakes. Thank you mom for helping. they love hot grandma Annie. Ugh I hate that phrase. but you were good! Thank you for everyone that helped Ray and made my trip successful and worry free. i needed this and appreciate all the efferts.

Oh my gosh I totally forgot...Here are my stats.

I weighed in at 6:256 am. so it really was a full 5 days.It was before my hike and workouts.

I lost 3.1 pounds and 4 inches.

I lost .9 % body fat which is super hard to do!!!

5 is a lonely number.

Day 5.
Well it's been a little rough. I feel sore and that I am pushing so hard and I am afraid of the measurements that will happen tomorrow morning, I do need a positive boost.

I did a hike about 5.5 miles on the sand it was hard and I was struggling but it was beautiful. There were so many mussels washed up on shore I could only think of white wine sauce and linguine noodles.

The hike was called Point Dume and it was all the way down to the end of that picture.

The gang from Van 6 and 7 rocking it. I did have to do a swim class again and again. Twice is too much. I had a fun/funny disco jam class with John and I have so little skill and coordination that I should have faked a sprain and sat out.

The caolories were low yet food was pretty good today...EXCEPT they served mushroon soup. Why? doesn't it grow in horse shit? maybe it doesn't but I passed on it after 2 whole sips.

Best quote today " You can be given wealth and oppertunity, yet you must earn your health."

I will keep you posted.

Sweat some more please.

Day 4.

Super awesome hike today at Reagan Ranch, the Ronald Reagan family donated this old horse ranch to the Parks dept. I hiked over 6 miles and ran much of it. I was able to hang with Van 7 the advanced group. Wow! I still run and pant like a women in labor.

The running trails were rocky and beautiful with lots of greenery, I
saw a deer too. We came across the old filming area of MASH the tv series, there were still jeeps and the famous sign.

The rest of the day was very good I had a balance ball class and a lecture and met Ramon and Jessica from season 12, they were very inspirational and I think we will hear wedding bells soon for them. Oh then swim class which I am seriously dreading yet may learn to control the look that I may be drowning. I had a great treading class, its were you go 5 minutes high then 5 min recovery then 4 min high and hard the 4 min recovery and so on. Well I ran at 8.6 minute miles miles and covered over 4.75 miles in one class. I wish they were filming since I looked like a rockstar...okay a strung out sweaty rockstar. I felt great.

Shut up and sweat, is my new mantra.

Ashes to ashes we all fall down.

Day 3.
This hike was breath taking, It was called Charmlee about 5-6 or more mile. Parts looked like the Sherwood forest and they even filmed Robin Hood near here because the oaks hang like a great canopy. See even the trees are tired.

This hike was my favorite, probably for its beauty and this unusual guide named Colter, he is called the snake whisper. I crossed paths with a 5 foot long gopher snake and he ran up to hold it. Well last yeat he was bitten by a rattle snake and recieved 40 units of anti venom and was in the intensive care unit for 7 days total . Just the guy I want picking up snakes with me. He knew alittle about a lot...which is my claim to fame, most facts that are helpful come from snapple lids. Great day.

The food was just okay today. Boy was today rough for the workouts I sure needed my strength. I had a crazy hard mountain class another 3 miles there. Then my new favorite kickboxing..I am in love with hitting sh!t. 2 pool classes in the body odor flavored water.

I did cap tonight off with a massage and she even rubbed between my toes which also seem to hurt.

Parts of the day where very tough I called Ray and said I wanted to go home, it gets emotional here when you are left to think on these long hikes and reflect. My dad always told me he was only quiet on the outside. My biggest worry was that I was quiet on the inside.

No fat Tuesday here.

Day 2.I am thinking the board is looking short onthe calorie intake today, but the food was so good. I am now watching the clock for meal times. Horrible habit I am developing. Like right now I have 12 hours until I can eat again.

This is the group from bus 6. Oh yeah we rocked the hike 6.4 miles over 1100 calories burned. The hikel was called Newton Canyon its part of the backbone trail we went up to an overlook of the Pacific Ocean up towards Zuma ridge. Now I know how the stars name their kids after horrendous trails.

I did a cardio interval class which was awesome I went about 3 more miles, then a total toning class that sucked so hard, my arms were shaking so badly...remindds me of the barely heard Who song "Maryann with the shaky hands" ...oh what those hands could do..

The pool here at night, it looks so lovely but it is full to the edge of sweat. 2 pool workouts today, they are so hard....especially to make sure that I don't get a mouthful of water.

Its been a good day only my left knee hurts and my right heel and my left elbow and my head. Earlobes don't hurt one bit.

Achey breaky headachy

First and formost. Happy 6th birthday Byro, that was the day that changed my life and your daddy's forever.. I am blessed to have you in my life. I miss you today.

Day 1.

Up at 5:30 for stretch class. This is Latigo Canyon in Malibu, it was a rough up and down 6.2 mile hike and took about over 2 hours. 1100 calories burned. Then onto another stretch class, and circuit training and pool workout then the core training which broke my core. Altogether today I burned over 3000 calcories.

I was feeling pretty good on the hike, probably because the detox part had not kicked in. I have such a headache, its from dehydration or no caffine or no wine or that I feel like i'm starving. I do remeber this gets better.

Here is the meal plan of the day, I did skip most of the carrot soup and actually skipped the dessert, that was shaved ice with cranberry juice on it...PASS.

I am having a snack of Advil and water hope I wake up tomorrow.My head is ready to explode and I feel that my brain is shrinking, it needs more fuel.

Birthday suits me fine.

Today is my day, really, I am ready to shed my life as a mom and wife for a week andI left for the fat farm again. I am celebrating my 42nd birthday today at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu. See don't I look excited??

I get to be selfish, namely I get to sleep diagonal and shower without a dog or 2 yr old pulling the curtain back to see what I am doing. I am excited to not have to tell Byron I don't know how to help him with the DS gaming system every 5 minutes..Sounds good but I just hung up with the kids and I like the chaos and am missing it right now.

I did flake on this blog for quite sometime but I don't mind revisiting it. I hope the 7 hours of working out jump start me, so far today I had:

1. Breakfast in bed care of Ray. Awesome. calories unknown.

2. Wine on the beach in Malibu, birthday calories don't count.

3. Dinner at the resort. 400calories.

Exercise 0.

This week will serve as a painful truth that my ass is almost as big as I am tall..clearly I must grow taller.

I will keep you all posted

Look me in the eye and tell me that I am satisfied.

I am satisfied. Thank you Replacements. Some days are more satisfying to lose my mom persona and feel more free, less mature. ...back when I was listening to these solid bands like Violent Femmes. Good Feeling...wishing it would stay just a little bit longer. These pictures are just a glimpse for me to see an alter ego....provocative girl. I am sure my husband is surprised too. Its nice to throw a curve even to ones self.

I am feeling healthy andstill very tired and playing the waiting game. I do feel like its still there and we need the radiation to keep blasting and working awhile longer. I think maybe they wait longer to see results so they can say its a recurrence and not persistent disease, it must look better onthe books like they didn't miss something.

The boys are awesome and crazy at the same time. My current complaint is I am yelling "pull up your pants" way too often. I hope its a normal phase and not creepy. I assume that I did the same thing and thankfully there are no pictures.

I forget that I am a women until I see this picture. Wow I am real. All moms should go and see another side of themselves. All women everywhere should see another side of themselves too. Sometimes a lens can see thru to our souls and we look unrecognizable and its offputting and wonderful at the same time. I don't know who the real one is I think its probably the one without the makeup that wipe snot off my kids nose onto my sleeve and just folds it up. Yeah thats the one.

On the rocky road ...not an ice cream.

So February used to belong to me, even though I couldn't spell it. Ray and I celebrated our 14th anniversary of our first blind date. A girl named Kathy Goodman set us up , it worked. She has never been thanked properly and doesn't even know we have 2 beautiful children, all because she reached out to us both and changed our lives and our futures. Kathy died and we still have not written a letter to her parents and they should know that as troubled as her life felt she made a family for our home. People reach others and never know the impact. I want to tell her we love her and thank you, thank you, thank you, through my tears tonight. Mostly I wished I was a better friend to see your aching and wrap my arms around you and tell you your are special. Lets just do that tomorrow and tell someone they matter, it may make a differance and it may change the world we live in.

Well I had another birthday this weekend, my 41st, actually I don't get those anymore so I will not be aging since Byron was born a day later. Children do overtake a parents life. He had a nice party of 55 people and 25 reptiles on a rainy day all inside my home. UGH. I only hope others enjoied themselves, I was a crazy lady that day, that couldn't keep hold of my wine glass.

My lizard boy is now 5. I do believe this year he will amaze me since his humor and definace are in full form. Who is he related to?
Just the other day he got mad at me and said he hated me infront of many other parents, so I said "you talking to me like that?" "No, Im talking to myself." I wished I could have crawled into a hole, I clearly had no control. Yet as a child I used to write notes to remember when I'd wake up that I was mad at my parents....every time-out in my room I would fall asleep. In fact in 2nd grade I said my favorite hobby was sleeping.

The humor I can tolerate alot better. The laugh he has is awesome. I love when he hugs and tries to snuggle with his brother ( Pierce hates it).

Onto the health front I am now having a issue with my left parotid gland, it resides infront of the ear onthe cheek area, well it is swollen and so very painful I haven't been able to sleep well for the last 2 days. I only sleep about 5 hours a night anyway but my nights are alittle longer now. It even hurts to smile which I must do alot of since I was tortured today. I hear this is a normal complication of radiation and usually occurs weeks later,it can last for weeks, months or be permanent. Seems dreadful. My next follow up is March 21st and this all seems just too far away for my family and friends, I am behaving rather passive and Im not sure why, I hope its not defeat
but a relaxed quality, I am hoping I now possess.

Its a year since I started this blog whe I was waiting to be a 40 yr old lady finding her place and I think I have and that I am on the way at least, okay pointing the right direction.

Surviving

Well since I last wrote I have had 3 whole body scans and have been sitting on the edge of my seat.The results came in today. I did have some uptake that was to show where the cancer would still be residing, well there were several areas of uptake (lighting up)in my neck that could turn out they may be physiologic ie. NORMAL. and if they are not normal then we must rely on the radioactive isotope to continue to kick its ass. I will go in and have some blood work done that looks at my cancer marker Tg thyroid globulin levels and hope it goes down to zero or trace levels only, it is at 19. If it stays up or goes up from zero we will know it is back or still persisting and deal with that hand of cards later. I feel like I can let out my breath and sigh relief. AHHHHHH

I am laying in bed with my 2 boys and dog and Ray and have a nice glass of red and my computer and I feel super at peace. I was so stressed and didn't really know how much until I just started reflecting. I may turn to jello now with this bit behind me. I am still not so sharp with my mental faculties, and that may not let up. I do know enough that I have been lucky and others have things so much harder. Others have things easier and already appreciate their fortune, I did need some adversity to come to my conclusions, I am a slow learner sometimes.

I have been so blessed to have a large support group that said magical words when I needed them and was able to laugh when I was obsessing about my bowels. I tries to be stoic and not let my guard down but found lots of comfort. People from my past reconnected and made me feel like the world was really a small place and that we are all connected and it is an amazing coincidence that we are all alive at the same time and can reach each other still.

Its a good night.

Sad face won't last.

This is how I have been feeling for the last few days. My poor kid just didn't get any candy from a pinata at a birthday party. yeah thats pretty bad too. He is a small guy and I am feeling small.

Well I had my whole body scan on Thursday and was expecting to put this all behind me but lymph nodes lite up . I am not sure what this all means yet I have to go back tomorrow for more pictures inthe nuclear medicine department which seems like a mysterious area to me in medicine, no one in the hospital seems to know what they do behind close doors. I may just shuffle around tomorrow trying to find out their secrets. I hope I don't need surgery soon, maybe the radiation I had was enough to stun the cancer into submission.

I wish this easy cancer knew how to behave, it seems to be behaving poorly and needs a time out. I will keep you posted.

Post radioactive isotope is RAD.

This the lead lined canister that contained 2 blue pills that had about 153 millicuries of radioactive material. I put it on my hand then was going to take a picture and was told to hurry and get it off my hand since the radiation being emitted was so high it needed to get into me quickly. Yeah that will make me swallow it down faster.

Immediately the Geiger counter came out and it registered 74 milliRems per hour emitting from my abdomen. Within just 24 hours it dropped down to about 45 millirems per hour. Planes are not allowed to fly at that high of an elevation due to effects on passengers in the plane and alarms go off to make sure they stay well below 50millirems of cosmic radiation.

The next day I dropped down to about 3millirems emitted per hour of radiation which is like background levels, still high enough to make sure I keep my distance.

The isolation room I was confined to was intolerable for these few days was lined in plastic and I must say it was a personal prison for me with the occasional very poor treatment, since the staff was not well prepared for someone like me, only about 2 people a month if that go through this treatment. I was like a leper that could throw a limb at the staff so there was very little interaction at all, just the intercom and a phone wrapped in plastic. Wow I found that isolation was isolating Weird huh? Stockholm syndrome is real I was throwing myself at the first person that would put more than their arm into my room.

I am now home and missed my family as it is now day 6 from treatment and I have to confess, I was kept longer due to my stage fright to produce a bowel movement. SHIT yes..I was given 10 medications in less than 20 hours to produce said product to no avail. My radiation levels would drop more quickly if we could close this deal. I was sent home with 4 differant meds to help complete this mission, they were very concerned since they would have no place to put me if I needed to be readmitted into the hospital easily. I have spoken to more people about crap than I would care to admit and I will leave with only that there has been success and I must say I debated renting a plane to fly a banner.

I will have a full body scan on Thursday and await good news that there will be no spots that light up. Lets hope for that. I will eat sushi until I develope some worm or fin.

Goodnight my friends and I thank each and everyone of you for the inspiration that lights a unchartered path for me. THANK YOU.

Finally I will be one HOT chick....

Yup One HOT chick. I do laundry.I am getting my life in order to be away from the family for about 8 days. I am to stay 3 to 6 feet away due to my hot factor. On Monday I will become radioactive as I start my hopefully, final treatment, for cancer. I must get the stinking ass laundry room in check before grandma Kay arrives, she must think that raising kids now a days has gotten so easy shmeazy for us old Gen X ers. Or or we Generation Y? Why have we ever labeled ourselves?I have dumbed down so much I don't know what I am....

I have such large bags under my eyes that I have trouble finding my way around.I would never recognize a Y or an X or a Z . This getting hypothyroid for my treatment makes me very tired and forgetful, I am clearly not very sharp. When Byron asked if the fruit orange was named after the color orange I was stumped. Not really sure still.

I go in on Monday morning for radiation so much so I will be in isolation for about 2 full days. I will get about 150 millicurie of radioactive isotopes...that is alot if we can rememeber physics.
I do know someone had to get the lowest score and on one exam that was me as I had to point out to the teacher in college that we all contribute to the bell curve. You are welcome class of 1995.

Well I will be finally so hot that I need my own radiation safety officer to check me daily. I cannot have my cell phone or computer as I will contaminate them with radiation so I will have those old 13 channels dial changer tvs in my room and probably a rotery telephone too. UGGGG to go so 80's how did I survive? Oh thats right I was out dating and carrying on and bypassed technolgy. Im not sure I cared then, I was busy. BUT I care now....

I must say the kids are great about it all , Byron just wants to know what day I can't sleep with him....weird Ray doesn't seem to ask..hum .. It will be about 2 weeks without a snuggle from my kids oooooothat it soooooo hard. So I will let grandma K take over and do the cooking and snuggling and momming for awhile. It is really hard.

I wil be reading and pillow surfing and that should fill my days this is ever moms dream to check out of momdom and vacate the position for some way needed R&R. I will probably look liike a fetus when I leave the hospital, I will surely chew my own cord off since I have so much experience as a 40isher. REALLY is that what I am? Did I just make up that silly word? Yup i did. Maybe this is the last time you will see it.

Wish me well in my own thoughts for several days and not hang myself with a IV tubing. God speed to a less vomitous week to come.

PS I may have to get some of that ovation hair therapy as I am thinning like an eldrly lady.

Ho Ho Ho not just a lady of the evening.

Byron getting all snug in his bed awaiting the arrival of Santa. Am I the only adult that feels guilty misleading my kids? I love this time of the year yet am torn with the need to not let down my kids with lies. Maybe this is the problem we protect kids so much so they never have disappointments that we have sheltered them into a fairytale life and they are under deserving. I do know Byron got a bike tomorrow from Santa and he will never ride he streets alone due to the perverts that perpetuate the evening news. how will he even learn to ride, will he ever have the luxury of playing and riding until the street lights come on?? I miss small town life. How will he gain any independence?

Ray is getting ready for Santa too, he just put a toy together and I am sure he need the rum and cookies that have been laid out for Santa.Santa has discriminating taste.

This year is due to end with a fizzle for us, since coming into the new year we expect better health news and a big sign of relief to come. After meeting with the doctors on Friday and hearing about my aggressive cancer that wants to spread. Damn I thought thyroid cancers behaved better and knew their place. I am on a ridiculous low iodine diet that is really putting a kink in my eating habits this holiday yet the wine consumption remains steady and is allowed. Wow I have bent the truth into believing it is doctors orders that i have only roughage and wine. I have lost 6 pounds already and that means the fat farm trip wont happen in feb as I will not need the trip to Utah to hike and play as I did last year on only 1000 calories daily. ...maybe after I plump up when I become hypothyroid. The radioactive iodine treatment will happen in mid to late Jan as I need some family support since I will be away from the klids for over a week. Well I need to not worry about them, they are resilient and handle things better than I.

This holiday season is a time to reflect and forgive others and ourselves and become the people we think we are, yet different then how others see us. We can give to charities we can bake bread we can be excused. My favorite saying "we judges others by their actions yet we ourselves would like to be judged on our intentions." I must act as I intend, this is my New Years wish I plan to fulfill.

Merry Christmas and I hope I don't get coal.

Blast me with 553,000,000,000,000,000 atoms.

Byron my little lamb chop, I finally got him to smile, now if only I could get him to wear clothes. He loves pjs from the second he gets home from school. He knows how to be comfortable. I too would rather stay in my jammas and not shave my legs and keep my hair in a pigtail ahh but Ray would probably tire of it more quickly if I like Byron refused to wear clothes all day.Not wearing clothes difinately looks differant on me than on Byron, his little cupcake butt looks so much cuter. No one is squeezing mine but I cannot keep my hands off Byron or Pierce's butt for that matter. OHHH I love them.

I did get my pathology results in today and I was surprised that there were 2 areas of cancer and that it had spread to the lymph nodes. I am hoping it is all out and has been sent to the incinerator, if that is where disease goes to die? Not on a shelf with the name Cunningham on it somewhere. I will now have the radioactive iodine treatment done as this cancers form of chemotherapy. I will take a pill or a liquid of a highly reactive isotope that will keep my away from my children for over a week and into isolation, wow me alone with my thoughts. Shit. Is that lonely or crazy? Follow me and we will see.It may be a train wreak or quite nice I can't tell yet.

This is the beautiful sky last night, the one I claim as my own, it outshown itself last night, can you tell it was very chilly? It looks crisp. This view will be ours for awhile more, thank God since it gives me great peace.

So this is me yesterday, rather dopey and fresh off a 2 hour operation, I was feeling a bit sore and needed proper medication from the candyman. I really missed the kids and my home and wanted out right away and I got to leave the hospital today, I wanted to get home to my kids, you'd think I could have used a break but no I missed them. Now that I am home I wish I could go back, it always seems better the further away I am.

Here are the monkeys today that I needed to get home to and I cannot get Byron to smile for the life of me, every single picture this year has the same weird face. He is just like me and it drives me wild. I am still surprised he is not an only child.

There is little Pierce still a good boy and does what he is told on command. He is so big because he eats his fruits and veggies and will tower over Byron, who only eats sugar. Good boys usually, but they love eachother tons.

This is today, the neck covered in a scarf to not frighten Byron but he said it wasn't bad. His friend Max said it was gross, so I am thinking somewhere in between is okay. I was so worried about my neck being ugly but now looking at this picture I must get some surgery on those bags under my eyes, what was the concern with my neck..ugh now that is behind me I can work on some plastic surgery or botox. I am just kidding. that is not in the cards for me.

Thanks everyone for the great support and awesome meals.

I hope I keep my head about me.

Tomorrow I will get ready for my thyroid cancer surgery and hope the incision is small and that I still have my same voice, the one that cannot carry a tune, the one that nags poor Ray and hollers at the kids and calls the dog by the children's name when she does something wrong. Ahh that voice, I hope my vocal cords are not too bruised or severed.
This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.

I was told I could tattoo the scar but all I thought of were a tattoo of hands ringing my neck. I am not much for tattoo's, I do like them, I could even love them but I cannot commit to one forever. I am more of a "one night stand" with tattoo's, I would wish I didn't do as much or done this or that. See, a failure to commit to art.

I have also been reminded of the compassion in people, they give and don't always see the lasting impact. I have been blessed by a wonderful support of friends and family and even new acquaintances. The world seems jaded at times but these people around me are real and they make up a better world., how lucky is that? The words I have recieved have not been lost in the wind, I cherish them.

My other worry other than my head being cut off is the my 4 yr old will be afraid or scared. I bought many scarfs so that I can mask my neck. I do want to show him that if you get sick you can get better, not everyone dies. Yet we must respect disease and be grateful for the cures, and we can still curse the sickness and the inability to cure. I have made light of this lately and I know I am worried and scared since I would rather not get cut open tomorrow but I must and I will heal and be well.

Things will be normal again soon and I will have my ordinary life back, it starts again tomorrow when I become cancer free. On the operating table I will be fighting cancer and in the recovery room I will be a survivor.

I am ready to get this started and so it will be.