Ho Ho Ho not just a lady of the evening.

Byron getting all snug in his bed awaiting the arrival of Santa. Am I the only adult that feels guilty misleading my kids? I love this time of the year yet am torn with the need to not let down my kids with lies. Maybe this is the problem we protect kids so much so they never have disappointments that we have sheltered them into a fairytale life and they are under deserving. I do know Byron got a bike tomorrow from Santa and he will never ride he streets alone due to the perverts that perpetuate the evening news. how will he even learn to ride, will he ever have the luxury of playing and riding until the street lights come on?? I miss small town life. How will he gain any independence?

Ray is getting ready for Santa too, he just put a toy together and I am sure he need the rum and cookies that have been laid out for Santa.Santa has discriminating taste.

This year is due to end with a fizzle for us, since coming into the new year we expect better health news and a big sign of relief to come. After meeting with the doctors on Friday and hearing about my aggressive cancer that wants to spread. Damn I thought thyroid cancers behaved better and knew their place. I am on a ridiculous low iodine diet that is really putting a kink in my eating habits this holiday yet the wine consumption remains steady and is allowed. Wow I have bent the truth into believing it is doctors orders that i have only roughage and wine. I have lost 6 pounds already and that means the fat farm trip wont happen in feb as I will not need the trip to Utah to hike and play as I did last year on only 1000 calories daily. ...maybe after I plump up when I become hypothyroid. The radioactive iodine treatment will happen in mid to late Jan as I need some family support since I will be away from the klids for over a week. Well I need to not worry about them, they are resilient and handle things better than I.

This holiday season is a time to reflect and forgive others and ourselves and become the people we think we are, yet different then how others see us. We can give to charities we can bake bread we can be excused. My favorite saying "we judges others by their actions yet we ourselves would like to be judged on our intentions." I must act as I intend, this is my New Years wish I plan to fulfill.

Merry Christmas and I hope I don't get coal.

Blast me with 553,000,000,000,000,000 atoms.

Byron my little lamb chop, I finally got him to smile, now if only I could get him to wear clothes. He loves pjs from the second he gets home from school. He knows how to be comfortable. I too would rather stay in my jammas and not shave my legs and keep my hair in a pigtail ahh but Ray would probably tire of it more quickly if I like Byron refused to wear clothes all day.Not wearing clothes difinately looks differant on me than on Byron, his little cupcake butt looks so much cuter. No one is squeezing mine but I cannot keep my hands off Byron or Pierce's butt for that matter. OHHH I love them.

I did get my pathology results in today and I was surprised that there were 2 areas of cancer and that it had spread to the lymph nodes. I am hoping it is all out and has been sent to the incinerator, if that is where disease goes to die? Not on a shelf with the name Cunningham on it somewhere. I will now have the radioactive iodine treatment done as this cancers form of chemotherapy. I will take a pill or a liquid of a highly reactive isotope that will keep my away from my children for over a week and into isolation, wow me alone with my thoughts. Shit. Is that lonely or crazy? Follow me and we will see.It may be a train wreak or quite nice I can't tell yet.

This is the beautiful sky last night, the one I claim as my own, it outshown itself last night, can you tell it was very chilly? It looks crisp. This view will be ours for awhile more, thank God since it gives me great peace.

So this is me yesterday, rather dopey and fresh off a 2 hour operation, I was feeling a bit sore and needed proper medication from the candyman. I really missed the kids and my home and wanted out right away and I got to leave the hospital today, I wanted to get home to my kids, you'd think I could have used a break but no I missed them. Now that I am home I wish I could go back, it always seems better the further away I am.

Here are the monkeys today that I needed to get home to and I cannot get Byron to smile for the life of me, every single picture this year has the same weird face. He is just like me and it drives me wild. I am still surprised he is not an only child.

There is little Pierce still a good boy and does what he is told on command. He is so big because he eats his fruits and veggies and will tower over Byron, who only eats sugar. Good boys usually, but they love eachother tons.

This is today, the neck covered in a scarf to not frighten Byron but he said it wasn't bad. His friend Max said it was gross, so I am thinking somewhere in between is okay. I was so worried about my neck being ugly but now looking at this picture I must get some surgery on those bags under my eyes, what was the concern with my neck..ugh now that is behind me I can work on some plastic surgery or botox. I am just kidding. that is not in the cards for me.

Thanks everyone for the great support and awesome meals.

I hope I keep my head about me.

Tomorrow I will get ready for my thyroid cancer surgery and hope the incision is small and that I still have my same voice, the one that cannot carry a tune, the one that nags poor Ray and hollers at the kids and calls the dog by the children's name when she does something wrong. Ahh that voice, I hope my vocal cords are not too bruised or severed.
This latest journey I did find out about my vounerablity and my vanity, I am concerned I will be ugly. Its dumb to think of a scar that saves a life or mends a life or gives a life as anything but beautiful...but it sneaks into my head and makes me feel shallow and I don't usually think of myself that way. This will just be added to my road map of my body.

I was told I could tattoo the scar but all I thought of were a tattoo of hands ringing my neck. I am not much for tattoo's, I do like them, I could even love them but I cannot commit to one forever. I am more of a "one night stand" with tattoo's, I would wish I didn't do as much or done this or that. See, a failure to commit to art.

I have also been reminded of the compassion in people, they give and don't always see the lasting impact. I have been blessed by a wonderful support of friends and family and even new acquaintances. The world seems jaded at times but these people around me are real and they make up a better world., how lucky is that? The words I have recieved have not been lost in the wind, I cherish them.

My other worry other than my head being cut off is the my 4 yr old will be afraid or scared. I bought many scarfs so that I can mask my neck. I do want to show him that if you get sick you can get better, not everyone dies. Yet we must respect disease and be grateful for the cures, and we can still curse the sickness and the inability to cure. I have made light of this lately and I know I am worried and scared since I would rather not get cut open tomorrow but I must and I will heal and be well.

Things will be normal again soon and I will have my ordinary life back, it starts again tomorrow when I become cancer free. On the operating table I will be fighting cancer and in the recovery room I will be a survivor.

I am ready to get this started and so it will be.

Cancer, it can't be I am a Pisces.

Damn it, the results are in and the chad fell off. The recount is official, I have thyroid cancer.

I knew this would be the result but didn't realize I would feels so sad. I know I must take certain steps like staging and surgery and radiation, after care but should I really remember that I haven't baptized my baby? I must make sure I plan and plan and plan to that no one ever has to question what I want best for my 2 babies.
Ray and I had a great date night to talk and plan and it was a wonderful night to make sure I am still connected to the one love.My dear friend Robin too is helping and doesn't know how much so, other than the play dates sleep overs and wine supply. Byron is away for a sleep over and Piece was so sleepy in his stroller in the restaurant that Ray and I just ate great sushi and drank fine libations that it felt like a wonderful Friday date night but the talk was of cancer. I even got to pull the cancer card when he said we should go and I said "lets just have another round and talk some more come on I have cancer."
Ray is awesome, I hope he is not reading this because I will have trouble making him do the dishes now. He really is quite nice and way better than me. I should be like him and hope the kids are like him, but I know Byron is just like me and it cracks me up when he tells Ray that he is a bad driver and that Ray is scared of spiders and that mom just does it so much better. I just love that.

I do know that my fear is, while men when alone are so darn attractive when struggling with kids that women just fall all over them. I told Ray just stay single for a year then remarry someone I would find ugly and I give my blessing and will never haunt them. I would just want someone to hug my children, thats all, even when they don't want it which just happens every day. I must squeeze my boys into submission everyday just make sure they feel loved and annoyed properly.
Please dont worry about me I am fine I will beat this.

My minds eye is blind or at least nearsighted.

I have grown cold and my life needed something to touch my heart and make me feel again...what I didn't expect was another life, a friend to be able to cripple me at my knees. It awoke a beast that is best not confronted when unarmed, DEATH and ones own immortality. When a mother is gone so is the ordinary day. The highs the lows the regular days are all gone. Sickness is creepy and can slither into a home and crack it apart. Children could still turn out okay but would they have been better? They are powerful forces, these kids, yet are pliable and can break. As I mom I never want my boys to feel a weighty sadness or fear or longing for love or have an ache that permeates into their bones...those are my fears nothing for myself all for them. I will swallow sadness, fear or lose of love and eat it whole. Children need the gift of an ordinary day smothered in love and not fearful of the unknown. The unknown. What is that? What isn't that?

I have another thyroid biopsy in 2 days and I know it won't kill me or ever slow me down. I must aquiese, there is no protest here, I am not incharge of the results. I do now know that I hate that I have given small things a life by acknowledging them and allowed them to gain importance. I have felt at the end of my rope when all I needed was alittle more rope.

There are no pictures to post they don't need to distract. Today is heavy on my heart and I ache.

Results are in or is the chad hanging on???

Pierce will help me, he is quite technically inclined....or not at all, he had locked this computer up several times beating the keys into submission. You are seeing my parenting skills as I let the children climb tables and run rampant, what you don't see is that the dog is probably eating off the kitchen counter and cleaning the old dishes, be forewarned if you eat over. This is just so cost effective in a recession since we have let the maid go after more than 10 years. I am waiting patiently for the children to become of age where they can scrub a toilet...this is of course why I gave birth to my 2 little domestics.

Drum roll please....

So my result are in and so far FAVORABLE, yet there is some doubt that the lesion was not sampled. I was told I can believe the results for 3 months until I am seen again. There is a consult on Monday with another doctor that may shed some more light on this. I do feel I have wasted my minds time why thinking about this for over 2 weeks now. I know know that what will be will be and will present itself in time. I am not really a passivist but more of a surrender right now. One gets tired pondering possibilities that may be negative. I am wholeheartedly a believer of dreaming about what ifs of winning the lottery... this is not futile, one must be prepared. Claim it and put in in a trust to help defer the tax issues and scoundrels.

I do need to tell of a revelation, Ray upon hearing the good news says we must lead a healthier lifestyle have out antioxidants, drink less....WHAT, I say, I feel now I must drink the expensive wine and live more fully... this is all we have got.